Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Relationship problems? I have some towels for you...
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| Beyonce the Chicken |
I've mentioned Beyonce the Chicken before, right? Well if not, or if you don't know the epic story, you really need to check it out or else you're not going to get this - AT ALL.
My sister-in-law's friend from college is a blogger and follows the Bloggess as well. In response to her post about the chicken she bought out of spite for her husband because he wouldn't let her buy more towels, Mannered Gold sends towels with "Knock, Knock, Motherfucker" embroidered on them. Beautiful. It makes me want to cry...and to be married again so I can buy them for my own husband.
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| These towels are fucking awesome. |
In all things related, this weekend my parents went to my brother and sister-in-law's to visit. While in Wisconsin they see... you guessed it... a bit metal chicken. It was off of an access road and the place said open seven days a week, which was obviously a blatant lie as they had to trek through mud to get around to the spot where the chicken actually was. They of course texted me and sent a picture. I was hoping they would buy it, but it was $399, which my mom originally thought was $39.99, in which case they would have bought it, but my sister-in-law graciously pointed out her error. It was originally $499, but was marked down which, quoting my SIL is "one hundred dollars worth of free chicken!".
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| Mom and Sister-in-Laws Chicken |
I miss all the fun...
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Who I want to be...
I'm tired and stuck...but I'm still hopeful. I can't seem to get enough sleep...but I stay up late at night. I need to do something...but my motivation has been non-existent lately.
Generally I work on a cycle. I go from being motivated, to waiting, to unmotivated, to motivated, to waiting... catch my drift? I have been spending too much time looking back these past few weeks. I need to move forward, "keep swimming, keep swimming..." as Dory from Finding Nemo would say. Sometimes, though, I think it's important to look back to see where you've been so you can decide where you want to be.
I have this idea... an idea of who I will be when I finally am in the place I want to be. I have no clue as to where or what that is, but I hope for it often. And I have a few things to say about it.
1. For all of the people who have written me off, I'm sad. I'm sad for multiple reasons, but mostly because I learned that in my narcissistic world, I don't hold an important place in a lot of people's lives and inmany of the places I've been. Life keeps moving forward, whether you're in a certain place or not. People keep moving too, and are very unaffected by your absence. This is a good lesson for a person to learn, and the sooner the better, because you will then be able to let go of people a lot quicker instead of sitting around wondering why people don't give a shit about you. Because that's the way the world works. Most people don't give a shit about anything that doesn't directly involve themselves. And when push comes to shove, believe me, you know where you stand and who is in your corner. Don't think too much of yourself, because in the grand scheme of things, you're nothing to a whole lotta people... I believe it's called humility...
2. For those of you who think badly of me, don't judge me too harshly. I went through a lot of shit in life, as most people do. I'm not a "bad" person, I am just a person who has poor judgement and makes a lot of mistakes. This is how I learn, through experience. I'm going to have a shit load of character by the time I'm done. But my most sterling quality? I can admit when I'm wrong. At the same time my worst quality (for myself anyway) is I take the blame to quickly for things that aren't necessarily my fault.
3. I want to be your friend so badly. I know the "your" in this is subjective. Let me tell you a brief story about myself. I'm the type of person who will be watching TV, or listening to someone speak, or people watching, and I will suddenly exclaim, "I want to be her friend!" (I think I said this once about Amy Paul - the WMBD news anchor. I also feel this way about the Bloggess, Jenny Lawson ;-) ) Anyhow, yes I am that pitiful girl who just wants everyone to like her, who wants to be in the "in" crowd. From junior high to motherhood, it's followed me all the way. This is just something I'm going to have to come to terms with. I will never be the person other people look at and say, "Gee she's neat, I'd love to be friends with her! She is so strong and ________ (insert characteristic here), I want to be just like her." (I know, so Leave it to Beaver right?)
4. I have been a horrible mother, and an insensitive teacher. Those words may be too harsh, but in the last year I have lost much of my patience. I want to treat others the way I want to be treated in return, but maybe I have been treating others the way I think I have been treated. I want my patience back. Actually, I'm not sure I ever had any patience, and if I had to bet on it, I would say this is the lesson God is trying to beat with a frying pan through my head right now. So I wait, patiently...
5. I want another opportunity to prove myself. In work, family, relationships, friendships, all of it. However, after being through "the ordeal" as I've taken to calling it, I don't think I will be able to trust people again. I want to, and there are still some people I think I trust, but people are harsh and self-serving. I assume the best of everyone and everyone doesn't always give their best, nor do I. Therefore this will be a limited endeavor.
I don't think I will ever be in a "relationship" again. It is much easier being on your own, and my self-image is damaged. I'm vain, I know, but so are a lot of other people.
So all of this being said, here is who I hope I become: A fun-loving person, slow to anger, patient and self-reliant. I hope to be a person who doesn't rely on other's for affirmation or permission. I want to be self-sustaining and a person that other people look at and say, "Wow, look at where she's been and where she is now, impressive. I want to be her friend..."
I figure all I have is time.... so until then I'll just "keep swimming, keep swimming....".
Generally I work on a cycle. I go from being motivated, to waiting, to unmotivated, to motivated, to waiting... catch my drift? I have been spending too much time looking back these past few weeks. I need to move forward, "keep swimming, keep swimming..." as Dory from Finding Nemo would say. Sometimes, though, I think it's important to look back to see where you've been so you can decide where you want to be.
I have this idea... an idea of who I will be when I finally am in the place I want to be. I have no clue as to where or what that is, but I hope for it often. And I have a few things to say about it.
1. For all of the people who have written me off, I'm sad. I'm sad for multiple reasons, but mostly because I learned that in my narcissistic world, I don't hold an important place in a lot of people's lives and inmany of the places I've been. Life keeps moving forward, whether you're in a certain place or not. People keep moving too, and are very unaffected by your absence. This is a good lesson for a person to learn, and the sooner the better, because you will then be able to let go of people a lot quicker instead of sitting around wondering why people don't give a shit about you. Because that's the way the world works. Most people don't give a shit about anything that doesn't directly involve themselves. And when push comes to shove, believe me, you know where you stand and who is in your corner. Don't think too much of yourself, because in the grand scheme of things, you're nothing to a whole lotta people... I believe it's called humility...
2. For those of you who think badly of me, don't judge me too harshly. I went through a lot of shit in life, as most people do. I'm not a "bad" person, I am just a person who has poor judgement and makes a lot of mistakes. This is how I learn, through experience. I'm going to have a shit load of character by the time I'm done. But my most sterling quality? I can admit when I'm wrong. At the same time my worst quality (for myself anyway) is I take the blame to quickly for things that aren't necessarily my fault.
3. I want to be your friend so badly. I know the "your" in this is subjective. Let me tell you a brief story about myself. I'm the type of person who will be watching TV, or listening to someone speak, or people watching, and I will suddenly exclaim, "I want to be her friend!" (I think I said this once about Amy Paul - the WMBD news anchor. I also feel this way about the Bloggess, Jenny Lawson ;-) ) Anyhow, yes I am that pitiful girl who just wants everyone to like her, who wants to be in the "in" crowd. From junior high to motherhood, it's followed me all the way. This is just something I'm going to have to come to terms with. I will never be the person other people look at and say, "Gee she's neat, I'd love to be friends with her! She is so strong and ________ (insert characteristic here), I want to be just like her." (I know, so Leave it to Beaver right?)
4. I have been a horrible mother, and an insensitive teacher. Those words may be too harsh, but in the last year I have lost much of my patience. I want to treat others the way I want to be treated in return, but maybe I have been treating others the way I think I have been treated. I want my patience back. Actually, I'm not sure I ever had any patience, and if I had to bet on it, I would say this is the lesson God is trying to beat with a frying pan through my head right now. So I wait, patiently...
5. I want another opportunity to prove myself. In work, family, relationships, friendships, all of it. However, after being through "the ordeal" as I've taken to calling it, I don't think I will be able to trust people again. I want to, and there are still some people I think I trust, but people are harsh and self-serving. I assume the best of everyone and everyone doesn't always give their best, nor do I. Therefore this will be a limited endeavor.
I don't think I will ever be in a "relationship" again. It is much easier being on your own, and my self-image is damaged. I'm vain, I know, but so are a lot of other people.
So all of this being said, here is who I hope I become: A fun-loving person, slow to anger, patient and self-reliant. I hope to be a person who doesn't rely on other's for affirmation or permission. I want to be self-sustaining and a person that other people look at and say, "Wow, look at where she's been and where she is now, impressive. I want to be her friend..."
I figure all I have is time.... so until then I'll just "keep swimming, keep swimming....".
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
You call it crazy, I call it another day in the life...
My morning was very low-key today, but picked up quickly by the time we went to pick Lainey up from school. Lainey will be seeing a new psychiatrist in another week and we had an initial parent meeting at 4pm, then rush home for the quickest dinner I think I've ever eaten, then a Brownie meeting at school at 6pm. All of this was followed by a murderous homework session at 6:30 with full on whining and crying. (Probably due to the Adderall withdraws the doctor explained happened around 6-6:30 each day...wonderful!) Then the day ended with a full-out meltdown from the oldest which ended with me having to use my drill sargent voice to get her to stop shrieking so her sister and I could save our hearing for another few years.
Anyway...I really like the new shrink, I am totally a fan and truly believe everyone should have one at some point in their life. Not at 7 necessarily, but whatever. Dad was late so I took the liberty of filling her in on all of the wacky details we went through the last year. It never gets old telling the story again (it's like that old church hymn, "I Love to Tell the Story", I'm totally singing it in my head right now) ... more abbreviated as I go, but it never ceases to amaze me how people are still shocked when they first hear it.
I wanted to get it out-of-the-way before her dad got there, because I think it's more difficult to talk about with both of us there, and I tend to gloss over the situation more because I don't want to rock the boat, and dad tends to think it's all completely normal, but she went though some really fucked up shit for a while there so for Lainey's sake I think it's time someone understood the complete story, even if her problems stem back further than that, it couldn't have helped things any. Besides, when I expressed concerns to the last doc, he told me she was resilient, would bounce back, and I should watch what I say. I'm so tired of people making it out to be about me and what I say and do, while other people can go along and do whatever the hell they want. It must be friggin' nice...
After I told her the story, she was all, "What about you??? Are you o.k.???". It's a funny question to hear because at this point I'm as o.k. as I'm going to be. Not many people ask me anymore, and that's fine, because I really don't know what to say. Anywho... I really thing this one is going to work for Lainey. I'm hopeful, and that's not something I've felt in a while. So all in all a good thing...
Anyway...I really like the new shrink, I am totally a fan and truly believe everyone should have one at some point in their life. Not at 7 necessarily, but whatever. Dad was late so I took the liberty of filling her in on all of the wacky details we went through the last year. It never gets old telling the story again (it's like that old church hymn, "I Love to Tell the Story", I'm totally singing it in my head right now) ... more abbreviated as I go, but it never ceases to amaze me how people are still shocked when they first hear it.
I wanted to get it out-of-the-way before her dad got there, because I think it's more difficult to talk about with both of us there, and I tend to gloss over the situation more because I don't want to rock the boat, and dad tends to think it's all completely normal, but she went though some really fucked up shit for a while there so for Lainey's sake I think it's time someone understood the complete story, even if her problems stem back further than that, it couldn't have helped things any. Besides, when I expressed concerns to the last doc, he told me she was resilient, would bounce back, and I should watch what I say. I'm so tired of people making it out to be about me and what I say and do, while other people can go along and do whatever the hell they want. It must be friggin' nice...
After I told her the story, she was all, "What about you??? Are you o.k.???". It's a funny question to hear because at this point I'm as o.k. as I'm going to be. Not many people ask me anymore, and that's fine, because I really don't know what to say. Anywho... I really thing this one is going to work for Lainey. I'm hopeful, and that's not something I've felt in a while. So all in all a good thing...
Monday, September 19, 2011
Car accidents and bird watching... all in a day's work.
I woke up this morning much the same way I do every Monday, but as I was putting Lainey on the bus, I got an unexpected and scary text from my best friend. It said:
When I got to the ER they were wheeling her oldest, five years old, in from x-ray. He had a neck brace on and was as still as I've ever seen him. JR looked dazed and had a couple of scratches on his head, and a sore back (luckily not the spine, just sore muscles). As he recounted the accident the part that will stay with me for a long time was the part when he said after the rolling stopped he thought the boys had flown out of the car because they were so quiet. He looked back and thankfully they were both still there, just staring at him. He had to crawl out the back window and then pull the boys out. The booster seat the oldest was in wasn't even under him after all was said and done, but the youngest was still strapped in safe and sound and only got mad when his dad pulled him out.
I can't even begin to imagine the terror that went through these parent's minds. One as he was experiencing it, and the other driving back from work, not sure what she would find. I do know as a parent it's your worst nightmare. But God sure was watching out for them today and I'm glad he did.
We all have a little joke about me being their family's personal housekeeper because on the weekends I don't have the girls I will go over and do their dishes and clean the kitchen. JR is Mexican, but he likes to call me Rosalita. (I prefer Risario, from Will and Grace.) I didn't hear it at first when I came in with one of the ER nurses, but he said later that when the nurse brought me in he said, "It's ok, she can come in, she's our housekeeper." Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was ok at that point. I got him his muscle relaxers and a Gatorade and called it even...
Hug your family a little closer tonight folks, and thank God they are safe!
Also, notice I posted a link above to ER the TV show, because it's awesome and related to this post, along with Gatorade.
Aside:
On a funnier note:
The girls and I were looking at the circular for the new Bass Pro Shop this morning before the bus came. On one page they had binoculars and Lainey had asked what they were for. I told her for bird watching. Ella goes in her grandpa's back room and comes back out with his binoculars and bird book. She proceeds to open the book and look at the birds in it with the binoculars. We had to explain she was suppose to look out the window with the binoculars and then use the book to find out what kind of bird they were. *slapping my face with hand*
T: Say a prayer for me. Doing 90. JR n boys car accident... no details just told to get there.
Wow, not sure what I was expecting when I woke up this morning, but definitely not that. Now I try not to be a dramatic person or get caught up in the drama of other people's lives, but these were people who had stood by me during the roughest points in my life this far and they all had a special place in my lives. For a moment my breath was taken away, and then I thought, "Surely they are fine, right?".
I texted her back and told her to let me know asap. I was taking Ella to the babysitter's anyway, so I figured if needed I could go help however I could.
T: JR and boys at OSF (hospital) boys ok not sure about JR.
Me: Do you need me to come?
T: It's alright....maybe if you wanna...not sure how long gonna b there.
"Maybe if you wanna..?" Now I was worried, the woman who had always been impervious and invincible, was for a moment in time, vulnerable. I was going to go, even though there probably wasn't going to be anything I could do. She had been there for me every time I had needed her. I was going to be there for her and her family. And, I could tell she was scared, she would need someone sane to be there...
After I dropped Ella off I randomly checked Facebook to see if anyone had posted anything about the accident, After all, I had no idea what to expect. Someone had posted pictures of the car and it was awful.
A picture of the car after it rolled 2-3 times off the side of the road.
This is the baby's side of the car... notice the grass stuck in the
top of the door, amongst other things
I can't even begin to imagine the terror that went through these parent's minds. One as he was experiencing it, and the other driving back from work, not sure what she would find. I do know as a parent it's your worst nightmare. But God sure was watching out for them today and I'm glad he did.
We all have a little joke about me being their family's personal housekeeper because on the weekends I don't have the girls I will go over and do their dishes and clean the kitchen. JR is Mexican, but he likes to call me Rosalita. (I prefer Risario, from Will and Grace.) I didn't hear it at first when I came in with one of the ER nurses, but he said later that when the nurse brought me in he said, "It's ok, she can come in, she's our housekeeper." Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was ok at that point. I got him his muscle relaxers and a Gatorade and called it even...
Hug your family a little closer tonight folks, and thank God they are safe!
Also, notice I posted a link above to ER the TV show, because it's awesome and related to this post, along with Gatorade.
Aside:
On a funnier note:
The girls and I were looking at the circular for the new Bass Pro Shop this morning before the bus came. On one page they had binoculars and Lainey had asked what they were for. I told her for bird watching. Ella goes in her grandpa's back room and comes back out with his binoculars and bird book. She proceeds to open the book and look at the birds in it with the binoculars. We had to explain she was suppose to look out the window with the binoculars and then use the book to find out what kind of bird they were. *slapping my face with hand*
Friday, September 16, 2011
About my best friend... (She may not want to read this as some feelingsabout her may be shared here...)
I've come to the point in my blog where I want to introduce my best friend, Trisha. (She already told me I can name her in my blog, so I am.) I love my best friend, but the funny thing about her is she doesn't like to express emotion or feelings, not sappy one's anyhow. So..................... I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you! (and this is all in a completely platonic way...)
I'm pretty sure we've never even hugged before. As a matter of fact, I remember an evening shortly after my husband had left me when I had the girls and I just couldn't keep it together. We had been up at the park and I remember automatically driving straight to her house from there. When I walked in the door with the girls, tears streaming down my face, sniveling and snot nosed... she quickly directed my children and her's to her son's room. Her husband immediately assumed the job of comforter. He gave me a big bear hug and just held on to me for what seemed like five minutes. The craziest part was this seemed completely normal to all of us that he would be the one to hug me while she stood by directing children. It didn't take her long to kick in and take control however, that's Trisha. A take charge kind of girl...
Trisha is really a very complex person. She would say she isn't, but there are many layers to her. I could compare her to an onion, like Donkey does in Shrek, but I would describe her more like a seven layer salad. I love seven layer salad, it's so delicious... but I digress. Anyway, to know Trisha is to love her, or fear her... She is a loyal friend to the end (haha! I rhymed), but seriously...she is. She seems cold at first meeting, cold sounds harsh, but it is difficult to find a word that would describe her "top layer". Maybe guarded, impersonal... Yet, if you stick with her and dig in deeper, you will see she has rational to her views and thought processes. You have to dig underneath all of the "toppings" to find what she is really about - lettuce, yep, she's lettuce. No, not really, she's so much more than just salad. This isn't coming out right.
Let me start with how we met. Trisha and I met probably about eleven or twelve years ago. Our friendship began over a discussion pertaining to a "mutual friend". Come to find out, neither one of us particularly appreciated this person to the extent they probably would have liked us to. Anyway, our friendship grew slowly, but over the course of the following year it grew enough that we decided we would move into an apartment together. This was big, especially for Trisha because she is such a creature of structure and routine. (I am also, realized shortly after we began living together.) The next year was the best year of my entire life. I look back at those days sometimes and think, "If only we could be back in our little apartment, sitting on the couch, watching French Kiss or My Best Friend's Wedding, everything would be right again. My world would realign and fall back into the rotation that it should be instead of spinning wildly out of control." Shortly after, however, we both met our husbands, who were friends of each other, and then, we did what many friends do at that point in their lives, we went our separate ways. Don't get me wrong, we stayed close, but we moved on to have our own families, jobs, lives, etc.
Trisha and I have since been through all of our major "adult" life milestones together. We would drift apart at times, but we always drifted back together. We were maids of honor at each other's weddings. We helped move each other into homes. (Well, my husband did my part mostly the first time as I was on bed rest...but I helped with the second one.) She was there for me while my husband and I had our first child. The same period of time when my husband was drifting away from me, blaming me for being a narcosis; my life falling around my feet in shards of glass. Things got better of course and then Trisha had her first child. I was honored enough to be present for the birth of both of her children. She was there for the birth of Ella. Although, with her second child I will forever have a different bond. He came just a week before my life fell apart for real. Being able to be a part of his life and spend well needed time with his family will always be my saving grace.
I love Trisha because she lives in reality. Not the everything-is-going-to-turn-out-horrible reality, (which is what I generally turn to the minute something goes wrong) , just a you're-going-to-have-to-do-a-bit-of-work-to-get-where-you-want reality. I am the type of person who isn't necessarily naive, but I always want to expect the best out of everything. The world is a good place filled with well-meaning people who all care about each other, hopeful type of person. However, in contrast, my flip side generally expects the worst. When things are spiraling out of control, or something absurd is happening right before our very eyes, all I have to do is look at Trisha and a secret message is sent between the two of us, "Are you fucking kidding me??? Yep, I'm pretty sure that just happened." I have said before in The Divorce Instruction Book that I went crazy for a time during my divorce. Trisha is one of the reasons I was able to come back to reality. She put it all into perspective for me, gave her two cents, let me do what I want, and really, has never said, "I told you so". That's why I love her, because even when I'm being a lasagna girl she gets it... (If you don't know what a lasagna girl is, you will have to watch Clerks to figure it out...)
Trisha had different personalities, and you know this if you've ever worked with her or been with her shortly after her work day. She can be incredibly serious, or incredibly hilarious, goofy, sarcastic, clueless, and even though she may not want you to know it, caring. You would never want to ride in the car with us together, because honestly you would think we hate each other. We bicker like little old ladies , then cackle and giggle because we think we are hilarious. Beside the fact that if we are in a heated Slug Bug contest you will just want to stay out-of-the-way. But Trisha is also extremely guarded. If you don't know her, she is difficult to read and doesn't get very personal about her own life. She is a master at keeping her personal life separate from everything else. I envy this about her.
Whatever you say about Trisha, she has been the best friend a person could ask for during the past year of my life and I'm thankful for her everyday. It couldn't have been easy for her to have to deal with her own life much less my added baggage on top of it, but she never once acted as if she didn't have time for me, or acted as if any of my "issues" were pointless or irrelevant. Trisha keeps me in the groove of things, she taught me the mantra, "Get up, take a shower, go to work" when I didn't think I could ever get up and do anything ever again. She allowed me have pity parties for myself. She would say, "I give you today to throw yourself a pity party, then tomorrow you get up, take a shower, and go to work". That was SO awesome. I had the right, for one day, to have a pity party. You have no idea how much I love to throw a pity party. ALOT...
Bottom line is, this probably hasn't come out the way I wanted it to at all, but I am so happy to have a friend like her. She has been more like a sister to me than a friend this past year, because I'm pretty sure she said some things friends wouldn't say to each other, but sister's would. She's been honest with me, but she has my back, and she's helped recreate the person I am in the process of becoming again. So if you did in fact read this Trisha, thanks. You have my undying gratitude and love (whether you want it or not), and my first-born if you ever decide you'd like another child... no, really.... she's all yours...!
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| Trisha and me - Easter 2008 |
Trisha is really a very complex person. She would say she isn't, but there are many layers to her. I could compare her to an onion, like Donkey does in Shrek, but I would describe her more like a seven layer salad. I love seven layer salad, it's so delicious... but I digress. Anyway, to know Trisha is to love her, or fear her... She is a loyal friend to the end (haha! I rhymed), but seriously...she is. She seems cold at first meeting, cold sounds harsh, but it is difficult to find a word that would describe her "top layer". Maybe guarded, impersonal... Yet, if you stick with her and dig in deeper, you will see she has rational to her views and thought processes. You have to dig underneath all of the "toppings" to find what she is really about - lettuce, yep, she's lettuce. No, not really, she's so much more than just salad. This isn't coming out right.
Let me start with how we met. Trisha and I met probably about eleven or twelve years ago. Our friendship began over a discussion pertaining to a "mutual friend". Come to find out, neither one of us particularly appreciated this person to the extent they probably would have liked us to. Anyway, our friendship grew slowly, but over the course of the following year it grew enough that we decided we would move into an apartment together. This was big, especially for Trisha because she is such a creature of structure and routine. (I am also, realized shortly after we began living together.) The next year was the best year of my entire life. I look back at those days sometimes and think, "If only we could be back in our little apartment, sitting on the couch, watching French Kiss or My Best Friend's Wedding, everything would be right again. My world would realign and fall back into the rotation that it should be instead of spinning wildly out of control." Shortly after, however, we both met our husbands, who were friends of each other, and then, we did what many friends do at that point in their lives, we went our separate ways. Don't get me wrong, we stayed close, but we moved on to have our own families, jobs, lives, etc.
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| Trisha and me - November 2008 |
I love Trisha because she lives in reality. Not the everything-is-going-to-turn-out-horrible reality, (which is what I generally turn to the minute something goes wrong) , just a you're-going-to-have-to-do-a-bit-of-work-to-get-where-you-want reality. I am the type of person who isn't necessarily naive, but I always want to expect the best out of everything. The world is a good place filled with well-meaning people who all care about each other, hopeful type of person. However, in contrast, my flip side generally expects the worst. When things are spiraling out of control, or something absurd is happening right before our very eyes, all I have to do is look at Trisha and a secret message is sent between the two of us, "Are you fucking kidding me??? Yep, I'm pretty sure that just happened." I have said before in The Divorce Instruction Book that I went crazy for a time during my divorce. Trisha is one of the reasons I was able to come back to reality. She put it all into perspective for me, gave her two cents, let me do what I want, and really, has never said, "I told you so". That's why I love her, because even when I'm being a lasagna girl she gets it... (If you don't know what a lasagna girl is, you will have to watch Clerks to figure it out...)
Trisha had different personalities, and you know this if you've ever worked with her or been with her shortly after her work day. She can be incredibly serious, or incredibly hilarious, goofy, sarcastic, clueless, and even though she may not want you to know it, caring. You would never want to ride in the car with us together, because honestly you would think we hate each other. We bicker like little old ladies , then cackle and giggle because we think we are hilarious. Beside the fact that if we are in a heated Slug Bug contest you will just want to stay out-of-the-way. But Trisha is also extremely guarded. If you don't know her, she is difficult to read and doesn't get very personal about her own life. She is a master at keeping her personal life separate from everything else. I envy this about her.
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| Trisha and me - July 2009 |
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| Trisha and me - December 2010 |
Thursday, September 15, 2011
C'est la vie....
I'm feeling frustrated right now. I'm sitting in the other room writing this because my 4 year old insists on watching the home movies from her sister's early years. This is after she asked me this morning if I missed daddy. Then she said she missed the baby and wanted to see her. Then she wanted to call daddy and her step-mom because she missed them. This was the first time she's ever requested to talk to her step-mom, and honestly, I found my breath slightly taken away when she said, "I love you" to her. Don't get me wrong, I want her to love her. Then I know that she is loved back, and I would rather have that than a step-mom who resents her or finds her to "be in the way". So yeah, I'm fine with that. But I'm her mom, and I don't want anyone to lost sight of that. Apparently she has today though.
Anyway, back to the movie. I don't really want to sit and watch these movies because 1) we've watched them thousands of times already, and 2) I don't want to watch something that shows that I thought I was happy, but things weren't what they seemed. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss my old life. There, I said it. I miss it.
I don't know if it's possible for a four year old to try and get a rise out of her mother, but that is sure in the hell what if feels like today. At least I can vent here, and not take it out on her and then feel guilty about it later. I suppose it never gets easier, you get through one thing and then on to the next. Anyway, just wasn't expecting it, thought we were back in the groove.... C'est la vie...
Anyway, back to the movie. I don't really want to sit and watch these movies because 1) we've watched them thousands of times already, and 2) I don't want to watch something that shows that I thought I was happy, but things weren't what they seemed. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss my old life. There, I said it. I miss it.
I don't know if it's possible for a four year old to try and get a rise out of her mother, but that is sure in the hell what if feels like today. At least I can vent here, and not take it out on her and then feel guilty about it later. I suppose it never gets easier, you get through one thing and then on to the next. Anyway, just wasn't expecting it, thought we were back in the groove.... C'est la vie...
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