I didn't get the job

What else can I say? Maybe next time... It's not where God wanted me to be... There's always tomorrow...

What a teacher wants you to know...

I interviewed for a job yesterday for a part-time aide position (3 hours a day) at a local school district where I would really like to get my foot in the door. It is an RTi position where I would be pulling small groups or individual kids out of the classroom to work with on areas they are struggling with in the classroom. It's not my dream job, but it's my dream job right now. How fun would it be to work 3 hours a day with small groups intensely on areas such as reading comprehension, vocabulary, phonics, and math. I know, not many of you would find that fun, but to me, that is the heart of teaching, making individual connections with students and watching them succeed in small steps at first, but making huge leaps in their learning in the end.

I am a horrible interviewee, and have only interviewed for three jobs including this one since I lost my job last year.  The first was a total of 10 minutes tops! Horrible, never heard from them again.  The second went very  well I thought, but because I had finally decided that teaching is where I wanted to be, I think they were weary of hiring someone who may or may not be there for the long haul.  I can completely respect that.  That left me to search for a position in the teaching field, where jobs are few and far between.  I mean seriously. It is not uncommon for 300+ applicant's to compete for one position. Competition is fierce and it would be awesome to know the inside secrets to getting hired!

I don't know if I will ever be able to get out from under the bad reputation I set for myself in my previous teaching position, but I think it speaks thousands of words for me that I haven't given up.  I have been through a lot this year, and I needed to find my perspective.  It is difficult to be a teacher these days.  Remember that if you are a parent. Really. I can speak from both sides of the table because I have been a teacher and a parent.  But I have also been a student, and I know what I respected most about teachers I've had.  These days we parents tend to immediately jump to our child's defense without even hearing the teacher or principal's side to the story.  When I was a kid there was no argument.  It didn't matter if you did it or not, you got in trouble either way.  Even if you didn't do it you were still expected to take the consequences.

I think the problem between parents and teachers is that we as parents feel it is a personal attack on our parenting skills if a teacher disciplines our children. Yet I feel that it takes some of the pressure off of me as a parent if I know by child is held to high expectations and standards within the classroom.  Of course I will back the teacher up, whether I agree with it on a personal level or not.  Know why? Because when my kid goes out into the real world, the world where bosses couldn't care less about you personally, couldn't care less what your mom or dad thinks, or couldn't care less about what YOU think, I know my child will have the understanding that they are no different from anyone else and there are no free hand outs in this world.  The world does not revolve around them and there are always going to be injustices in the world.  You may not agree with it, but you need to resign yourself to live with it. Otherwise you are going to be jobless, homeless, and sorry, but alone.

If you are a parent, the main thing I want you to remember or to know is that MOST teachers have your child's best interests at heart.  There is a tremendous amount of pressure that teachers put on themselves to expect the most out of your child and themselves. Imagine having 20 children that you want to teach right from wrong, to empathize with others, and educate them all at the same time. You love them unconditionally (even when they aggravate you to the point of pulling your hair out), you hurt when they hurt, you rejoice when they succeed, and you cry when they inevitably move on... you can fight with parents until your blue in the face, but in the end, all that matters to a teacher is what that child takes away from the classroom and that they know that they are full of potential and are completely responsible for themselves and their actions, and that they are loved, no matter what.

Maybe teaching isn't what I'm suppose to do, but I don't think I would keep wandering back to it if I weren't suppose to be there. I appreciate it when parents compliment me as a teacher, but I will tell you what is even better that a parent's compliment: a students.

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Throwing salt in an old wound isn't as bad as they make it out to be...

Nice weekend to be had by all, and BONUS! extra day included in the fun-filled package tomorrow!  Ella's birthday is still intact as baby wasn't born until Saturday night. Whew.  Although Lainey is annoyingly excited, Ella is the more realistic and level-headed about it all.  Needless to say she's not thrilled to no longer be the baby. (Although I told her tonight she will always be MY baby, awwww!)

So yes, I afore-mentioned this was a nice weekend.  Nice, but WEIRD.  And by the way, can I say that I am thrilled beyond words to not be involved in the craziness that probably ensued at the hospital this weekend.  I do not envy the girl's step-mom in any way, shape, or form and while many may have wished her ill-will in no personal way what-so-ever, I would not wish delivery pain and difficulties on anyone, because, hey, that's just crossing the cruelty line people.

I was thinking a lot this weekend, dangerous I know, besides the fact that I haven't taken my meds in a couple of days (because I have no health insurance, thus drugs are VERY expensive...) and I came to the conclusion that throwing salt in old wounds isn't quite as bad as it's thought to be.

If you haven't figured out by now, my ex-husband just had his first child with his second wife.  (I was a starter wife, yeah.) This brings life to an entirely new level, with new thoughts, and new routine, and if you know me, I dislike anything new, unless it's a killer pair of shoes. I know I mentioned a few posts ago that I really wasn't bothered by all of this, but honestly it has bothered me a tiny bit.  I have found it has affected several people on some level or another.  It brings up all of those old bad memories, which are very difficult for me because I did enjoy and love my previous life so much.  Haha, previous life, like I was re-incarnated or something. I made myself giggle.

Anyway, you can't help the crazy from creeping back into your head and trying to draw you back into the dark abyss. Thinking about his family, who went, what did they all think, are they all excited? What about MY kids? Where do they stand now? How is this going to change things? And I know, Tuesday or Wednesday, when things get back to normal, I will again realize that it doesn't all matter, not to me anyway.  Backwardsland cannot touch me if I don't allow it. I have my own little piece of crazy right here, and I don't need anyone else's to f*** my crazy up.

But I can't help thinking back to having our first child together, and then our second, and I wonder where this new birth fit. Was it in between? God help her if it was worst than the first! Was it better than the second? It is very hard to judge reality when you lived one-fifth of your life with a chronic liar and believed every moment of it up until the point he told you it was all a lie.

When I had Lainey, I was in labor all night at home and when he woke in the morning after sleeping on the couch, he took a shower and was getting ready for work.  While he was in the shower, I had to dial 911 because I began "pushing". After the ambulance got me to the hospital and they got me to labor and delivery, he came sauntering in and sat down on the couch. He had  NO CLUE I was in labor until he heard the nurse say to the doctor on the phone, "You have to be here NOW, because she's going to have this baby!" About an hour after Lainey was born, he was out the door and back to work.  Little did I know at this time he was having his first affair. I thought those first months of Lainey's life were the worst and best of it all.  I loved having her, but my marriage was in shambles and I was to blame for being too "narcasistic". Definition: When you've been on bed rest for three months, home alone the majority of the time, and then left to care for your first child alone,  that makes you a narcissist.

This is why I have difficulty today with him having this new baby.  When we had our first he wasn't really interested. And yeah, I guess my feelings are a little hurt because of what my daughter may have missed and what she will watch this new daughter enjoy from her father.  Don't misread what I'm saying, he is a good dad, and he loves his kids, but I don't think he loved what was entailed with raising kids with me. I truly hope this time it is much better for him for my girls' sake. But, it is so hard to watch someone you loved fall so easily into a new life, when there was a perfectly good one right in front of them. And it is hardest for those that were left behind. But we will survive AND thrive, because of it, and in the end, it didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would ;-) ...

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My life is wicked crazy...

So I got denied for public aid, which is good and bad both, good because at least someone thinks I'm not destitute enough to need it, but bad because there is a serious lack of funds coming in at the moment. On the upside I got a job interview at an awesome school I would love to work at as a part-time aid.  It would only be about three hours a day, but I figure that will be a nice way to work myself back into things slowly, and maybe next year I could get a full-time gig.

But now for the part most of you who have already heard have been waiting for: Today is my youngest's birthday.  September 2nd.  Call it karma, fate, Kismet, whatever you believe in, but this is one step closer to crazy than I thought things could go.

I knew this day was coming, and really, I'm FINE with it.  Seriously. You have no idea how fine I am ;-). However, in a totally ironic turn of events, the girls' father's new wife is being induced. Today. On Ella's birthday.  If you understand the entirety of my story from this last year, you understand how insane this actually is.  It's like God's little joke, AND I THINK IT'S AWESOMELY SICK AND TWISTED ON AN EPIC LEVEL!  I LOVE IT! All day long I have been giggling randomly, because honestly, there couldn't have been a more fitting time for this to happen.  The funniest part? It's not even their fault!!! At least I hope it's not, I'm pretty sure not, but just in case I'm not gonna bet on it.  Awkwardly enough she has the same OBGYN that delivered both of my children.  One of them four years ago to THIS VERY DAY...

The irony is so great that I have to laugh.  I can't imagine what is going through the heads of those players involved in these events today.  I would just once like to experience it first hand, to have someone explain to me how they rationalize this entire situation to be O.K. But, in the grand scheme of things, as long as my kids are ok, I just don't care....

By the way, I hear it's nice this time of year in backwards land...

Feel the love...

As I sit here in the Department of Human Services waiting to interview for public aid, I can't help but feel the love from friends and family posting happy birthdays to my youngest who is 4 today and sending words of encouragement to me via my blog posts. I can't tall you how humbled I am to be sitting here, but also knowing there are more people out there supporting me than I know. Especially those friends and parents from my old school who continue to support me. Thank you!!! You will never know how much it means to us!

Patience

Yes, I'm back. This is my 10th post and I have over 300 hits on my blog to date.  Thank you for all of you who return to read my mundane ramblings that probably don't make sense half of the time. My mom told me tonight:  she talks to blow off steam, while I write.

It's entirely too late and I should be in bed, but generally I wait until the girls are in bed to log on to my online classes to get the most out of them that I can. Have I mentioned I went back to school? It's just on-line and I'm majoring in Web Graphic Design, which will possibly be another dead end profession (as I've had many people tell me so far, but I haven't listened to anyone up to this point, so why start now?) but it is something I'm interested in, so what the hell?

It was another rough day with my children after Lainey got home from school. We had a MAJOR melt-down (which I recorded ;-) ) about, you guessed it, Moshi Monsters. Needless to say, Moshi Monsters are hereby banned during the week at our house.  Did you know I am the meanest mom ever and I don't love my kids? Lainey said she hates me and will never hug or kiss me again, but ha, I got a kiss goodnight, so she must be rethinking that bold statement. At one point she was trying to negotiate saying she had "a deal" to make with me, but I told her I don't make deals with terrorists.  I discussed this matter with her father, who has given me full backing in this fight against homeland terrorism. Seeing as how she explained that he and her step-mom always played with them and let them do whatever, I thought it may be a good idea to put some feelers out to how things were playing out at their house.  Seems the same domestic terrorism hits their homeland as well. You never can be too sure about dads, you gotta love 'em, but they tend to be a bit softer that a mom. However, it's always interesting to watch Lainey as she talks to her dad, because she comes to the realization that even though we aren't together anymore we are "together" on all things involving her and her sister.

My dad was telling me tonight that he was impressed at how patient I am with them. Not always, and I find that statement a bit surprising seeing as how that was probably the deciding factor in the loss of my job last year.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point of being able to let all of the mean and hateful things said by people roll off my back. Many times, people don't even have any idea about how their words affect a person. Yet, I have learned that when I look back at how I behaved during the early days of my divorce, I often said mean and hateful things too. Things I never in a million years meant or believed, but I said them out of grief, anguish, and exhaustion.  I was like a child throwing a temper tantrum to the world.  At the same time I was ashamed, humiliated, and embarassed at my behavior and what was happening in my life.

It is still a long process we are going through, with a lot of healing and finding a new beat to flow with. But through all of this I know there is one lesson I have been studying and will continue to study: patience. My biggest prayer as I go to bed tonight is that this lesson is a bit more easily learned for my children that it has been for me. It seems to me I'm always waiting, but I know without a doubt there is something up around the next bend. I pray that their "something" is a thousand times kinder and better than mine, but I am sure that is every parent's wish.

In the words of a great song, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need". (I could have gone with Axel Rose's Patience, but that was always the song Lainey's dad sang to her when she was a baby... and I'm not removed enough yet to remember those times as fondly as I otherwise would :-) )

Bedtime is a nightmare...

I've explained how my daughter has chronic anxiety, so naturally you can assume that bedtime in our house is a nightmare.  I have taken to letting my youngest fall asleep alone in my bed, because without fail, each night, Lainey and I end up having a blow out around 10 o'clock. It never fails, I've tried everything - to no avail. The doctor suggested having every possible request taken care of before she even goes to bed.  This is our "routine":

Before bed they are allowed to watch TV or play, they get hot chocolate, then to bed, read a book, drink of water, go to the bathroom, change of PJs because we are either too hot or too cold, fan in the room to cool her down, brown bear, blankets up, blankets down, and a lot of other stuff in between.

Last night was no different, probably because it had been an anxiously charged day.  As I sat at my computer waiting for a moment I could log on and post a discussion on my online business course (because I can't log on when she is still awake due to the never ending requests and my account logging me off because I haven't done anything for a while) I thought of this book, Go the Fuck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach.  There is an audio version on YouTube read by Samuel L. Jackson which is awesome, because he is totally the person I could imagine reading this book.

If you are easily offended, please refrain from listening, but if you are a parent that struggles with bedtime, seriously, listen to it!  You will be laughing and crying at the same time because there is finally something or someone that agrees with you that you are not alone, nor are you crazy...