Who I want to be...

I'm tired and stuck...but I'm still hopeful. I can't seem to get enough sleep...but I stay up late at night. I need to do something...but my motivation has been non-existent lately.

Generally I work on a cycle. I go from being motivated, to waiting, to unmotivated, to motivated, to waiting... catch my drift? I have been spending too much time looking back these past few weeks.  I need to move forward, "keep swimming, keep swimming..." as Dory from Finding Nemo would say. Sometimes, though, I think it's important to look back to see where you've been so you can decide where you want to be.

I have this idea... an idea of who I will be when I finally am in the place I want to be.  I have no clue as to where or what that is, but I hope for it often.  And I have a few things to say about it.

1. For all of the people who have written me off, I'm sad. I'm sad for multiple reasons, but mostly because I learned that in my narcissistic world, I don't hold an important place in a lot of people's lives and inmany of the places I've been.  Life keeps moving forward, whether you're in a certain place or not.  People keep moving too, and are very unaffected by your absence. This is a good lesson for a person to learn, and the sooner the better, because you will then be able to let go of people a lot quicker instead of sitting around wondering why people don't give a shit about you.  Because that's the way the world works.  Most people don't give a shit about anything that doesn't directly involve themselves. And when push comes to shove, believe me, you know where you stand and who is in your corner.  Don't think too much of yourself, because in the grand scheme of things, you're nothing to a whole lotta people... I believe it's called humility...

2. For those of you who think badly of me, don't judge me too harshly.  I went through a lot of shit in life, as most people do. I'm not a "bad" person, I am just a person who has poor judgement and makes a lot of mistakes.  This is how I learn, through experience.  I'm going to have a shit load of character by the time I'm done. But my most sterling quality? I can admit when I'm wrong. At the same time my worst quality (for myself anyway) is I take the blame to quickly for things that aren't necessarily my fault.

3. I want to be your friend so badly.  I know the "your" in this is subjective.  Let me tell you a brief story about myself.  I'm the type of person who will be watching TV, or listening to someone speak, or people watching, and I will suddenly exclaim, "I want to be her friend!" (I think I said this once about Amy Paul - the WMBD news anchor. I also feel this way about the Bloggess, Jenny Lawson ;-) ) Anyhow, yes I am that pitiful girl who just wants everyone to like her, who wants to be in the "in" crowd.  From junior high to motherhood, it's followed me all the way.  This is just something I'm going to have to come to terms with. I will never be the person other people look at and say, "Gee she's neat, I'd love to be friends with her! She is so strong and ________ (insert characteristic here), I want to be just like her." (I know, so Leave it to Beaver right?)

4. I have been a horrible mother, and an insensitive teacher.  Those words may be too harsh, but in the last year I have lost much of my patience.  I want to treat others the way I want to be treated in return, but maybe I have been treating others the way I think I have been treated.  I want my patience back.  Actually, I'm not sure I ever had any patience, and if I had to bet on it, I would say this is the lesson God is trying to beat with a frying pan through my head right now. So I wait, patiently...

5. I want another opportunity to prove myself.  In work, family, relationships, friendships, all of it. However, after being through "the ordeal" as I've taken to calling it, I don't think I will be able to trust people again.  I want to, and there are still some people I think I trust, but people are harsh and self-serving.  I assume the best of everyone and everyone doesn't always give their best, nor do I. Therefore this will be a limited endeavor.

I don't think I will ever be in a "relationship" again.  It is much easier being on your own, and my self-image is damaged.  I'm vain, I know, but so are a lot of other people.

So all of this being said, here is who I hope I become: A fun-loving person, slow to anger, patient and self-reliant. I hope to be a person who doesn't rely on other's for affirmation or permission.  I want to be self-sustaining and a person that other people look at and say, "Wow, look at where she's been and where she is now, impressive. I want to be her friend..."

I figure all I have is time.... so until then I'll just "keep swimming, keep swimming....".

You call it crazy, I call it another day in the life...

My morning was very low-key today, but picked up quickly by the time we went to pick Lainey up from school. Lainey will be seeing a new psychiatrist in another week and we had an initial parent meeting at 4pm, then rush home for the quickest dinner I think I've ever eaten, then a Brownie meeting at school at 6pm.  All of this was followed by a murderous homework session at 6:30 with full on whining and crying. (Probably due to the Adderall withdraws the doctor explained happened around 6-6:30 each day...wonderful!) Then the day ended with a full-out meltdown from the oldest which ended with me having to use my drill sargent voice to get her to stop shrieking so her sister and I could save our hearing for another few years.

Anyway...I really like the new shrink, I am totally a fan and truly believe everyone should have one at some point in their life.  Not at 7 necessarily, but whatever.  Dad was late so I took the liberty of filling her in on all of the wacky details we went through the last year.  It never gets old telling the story again (it's like that old church hymn, "I Love to Tell the Story", I'm totally singing it in my head right now) ... more abbreviated as I go, but it never ceases to amaze me how people are still shocked when they first hear it.

I wanted to get it out-of-the-way before her dad got there, because I think it's more difficult to talk about with both of us there, and I tend to gloss over the situation more because I don't want to rock the boat, and dad tends to think it's all completely normal, but she went though some really fucked up shit for a while there so for Lainey's sake I think it's time someone understood the complete story, even if her problems stem back further than that, it couldn't have helped things any. Besides, when I expressed concerns to the last doc, he told me she was resilient, would bounce back, and I should watch what I say. I'm so tired of people making it out to be about me and what I say and do, while other people can go along and do whatever the hell they want. It must be friggin' nice...

After I told her the story, she was all, "What about you??? Are you o.k.???". It's a funny question to hear because at this point I'm as o.k. as I'm going to be.  Not many people ask me anymore, and that's fine, because I really don't know what to say. Anywho... I really thing this one is going to work for Lainey. I'm hopeful, and that's not something I've felt in a while. So all in all a good thing...

Car accidents and bird watching... all in a day's work.

I woke up this morning much the same way I do every Monday, but as I was putting Lainey on the bus, I got an unexpected and scary text from my best friend.  It said:

T: Say a prayer for me. Doing 90. JR n boys car accident... no details just told to get there.

Wow, not sure what I was expecting when I woke up this morning, but definitely not that.  Now I try not to be a dramatic person or get caught up in the drama of other people's lives, but these were people who had stood by me during the roughest points in my life this far and they all had a special place in my lives.  For a moment my breath was taken away, and then I thought, "Surely they are fine, right?".

I texted her back and told her to let me know asap.  I was taking Ella to the babysitter's anyway, so I figured if needed I could go help however I could.

T: JR and boys at OSF (hospital) boys ok not sure about JR.

Me: Do you need me to come?

T: It's alright....maybe if you wanna...not sure how long gonna b there.

"Maybe if you wanna..?" Now I was worried, the woman who had always been  impervious and invincible, was for a moment in time, vulnerable. I was going to go, even though there probably wasn't going to be anything I could do.  She had been there for me every time I had needed her. I was going to be there for her and her family. And, I could tell she was scared, she would need someone sane to be there...

After I dropped Ella off I randomly checked Facebook to see if anyone had posted anything about the accident, After all, I had no idea what to expect. Someone had posted pictures of the car and it was awful.

A picture of the car after it rolled 2-3 times off the side of the road. 

This is the baby's side of the car... notice the grass stuck in the 

top of the door, amongst other things

When I got to the ER they were wheeling her oldest, five years old, in from x-ray.  He had a neck brace on and was as still as I've ever seen him.  JR looked dazed and had a couple of scratches on his head, and a sore back (luckily not the spine, just sore muscles).  As he recounted the accident the part that will stay with me for a long time was the part when he said after the rolling stopped he thought the boys had flown out of the car because they were so quiet.  He looked back and thankfully they were both still there, just staring at him.  He had to crawl out the back window and then pull the boys out.  The booster seat the oldest was in wasn't even under him after all was said and done, but the youngest was still strapped in safe and sound and only got mad when his dad pulled him out.

I can't even begin to imagine the terror that went through these parent's minds. One as he was experiencing it, and the other driving back from work, not sure what she would find. I do know as a parent it's your worst nightmare. But God sure was watching out for them today and I'm glad he did.

We all have a little joke about me being their family's personal housekeeper because on the weekends I don't have the girls I will go over and do their dishes and clean the kitchen. JR is Mexican, but he likes to call me Rosalita. (I prefer Risario, from Will and Grace.) I didn't hear it at first when I came in with one of the ER nurses, but he said later that when the nurse brought me in he said, "It's ok, she can come in, she's our housekeeper." Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was ok at that point. I got him his muscle relaxers and a Gatorade and called it even...

Hug your family a little closer tonight folks, and thank God they are safe!

Also, notice I posted a link above to ER the TV show, because it's awesome and related to this post, along with Gatorade.

Aside:

On a funnier note:

The girls and I were looking at the circular for the new Bass Pro Shop this morning before the bus came.  On one page they had binoculars and Lainey had asked what they were for.  I told her for bird watching.  Ella goes in her grandpa's back room and comes back out with his binoculars and bird book.  She proceeds to open the book and look at the birds in it with the binoculars.  We had to explain she was suppose to look out the window with the binoculars and then use the book to find out what kind of bird they were. *slapping my face with hand*

About my best friend... (She may not want to read this as some feelingsabout her may be shared here...)

I've come to the point in my blog where I want to introduce my best friend, Trisha.  (She already told me I can name her in my blog, so I am.) I love my best friend, but the funny thing about her is she doesn't like to express emotion or feelings, not sappy one's anyhow.  So..................... I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you! (and this is all in a completely platonic way...)

Trisha and me - Easter 2008

I'm pretty sure we've never even hugged before.  As a matter of fact, I remember an evening shortly after my husband had left me when I had the girls and I just couldn't keep it together.  We had been up at the park and I remember automatically driving straight to her house from there.  When I walked in the door with the girls, tears streaming down my face, sniveling and snot nosed... she quickly directed my children and her's to her son's room. Her husband immediately assumed the job of comforter.  He gave me a big bear  hug and just held on to me for what seemed like five minutes.  The craziest part was this seemed completely normal to all of us that he would be the one to hug me while she stood by directing children.  It didn't take her long to kick in and take control however, that's Trisha. A take charge kind of girl...

Trisha is really a very complex person.  She would say she isn't, but there are many layers to her. I could compare her to an onion, like Donkey does in Shrek, but I would describe her more like a seven layer salad.  I love seven layer salad, it's so delicious... but I digress. Anyway, to know Trisha is to love her, or fear her... She is a loyal friend to the end (haha! I rhymed), but seriously...she is. She seems cold at first meeting, cold sounds harsh, but it is difficult to find a word that would describe her "top layer". Maybe guarded, impersonal...  Yet, if you stick with her and dig in deeper, you will see she has rational to her views and thought processes.  You have to dig underneath all of the "toppings" to find what she is really about - lettuce, yep, she's lettuce. No, not really, she's so much more than just salad. This isn't coming out right.

Let me start with how we met. Trisha and I met probably about eleven or twelve years ago.  Our friendship began over a discussion pertaining to a "mutual friend".  Come to find out, neither one of us particularly appreciated this person to the extent they probably would have liked us to.  Anyway, our friendship grew slowly, but over the course of the following year it grew enough that we decided we would move into an apartment together.  This was big, especially for Trisha because she is such a creature of structure and routine.  (I am also, realized shortly after we began living together.) The next year was the best year of my entire life.  I look back at those days sometimes and think, "If only we could be back in our little apartment, sitting on the couch, watching French Kiss  or My Best Friend's Wedding, everything would be right again. My world would realign and fall back into the rotation that it should be instead of spinning wildly out of control." Shortly after, however, we both met our husbands, who were friends of each other, and then, we did what many friends do at that point in their lives, we went our separate ways.  Don't get me wrong, we stayed close, but we moved on to have our own families, jobs, lives, etc.

Trisha and me - November 2008

Trisha and I have since been through all of our major "adult" life milestones together.  We would drift apart at times, but we always drifted back together. We were maids of honor at each other's weddings. We helped move each other into homes. (Well, my husband did my part mostly the first time as I was on bed rest...but I helped with the second one.) She was there for me while my husband and I had our first child. The same period of time when my husband was drifting away from me, blaming me for being a narcosis; my life falling around my feet in shards of glass. Things got better of course and then Trisha had her first child.  I was honored enough to be present for the birth of both of her children. She was there for the birth of Ella. Although, with her second child I will forever have a different bond.  He came just a week before my life fell apart for real.  Being able to be a part of his life and spend well needed time with his family will always be my saving grace.

I love Trisha because she lives in reality.  Not the everything-is-going-to-turn-out-horrible reality, (which is what I generally turn to the minute something goes wrong) , just a you're-going-to-have-to-do-a-bit-of-work-to-get-where-you-want reality. I am the type of person who isn't necessarily naive, but I always want to expect the best out of everything. The world is a good place filled with well-meaning people who all care about each other, hopeful type of person. However, in contrast, my flip side generally expects the worst.  When things are spiraling out of control, or something absurd is happening right before our very eyes, all I have to do is look at Trisha and a secret message is sent between the two of us, "Are you fucking kidding me??? Yep, I'm pretty sure that just happened." I have said before in The Divorce Instruction Book that I went crazy for a time during my divorce.  Trisha is one of the reasons I was able to come back to reality. She put it all into perspective for me, gave her two cents, let me do what I want, and really, has never said, "I told you so". That's why I love her, because even when I'm being a lasagna girl she gets it... (If you don't know what a lasagna girl is, you will have to watch  Clerks to figure it out...)

Trisha had different personalities, and you know this if you've ever worked with her or been with her shortly after her work day. She can be incredibly serious, or incredibly hilarious, goofy, sarcastic, clueless, and even though she may not want you to know it, caring. You would never want to ride in the car with us together, because honestly you would think we hate each other. We bicker like little old ladies , then cackle and giggle because we think we are hilarious. Beside the fact that if we are in a heated Slug Bug contest you will just want to stay out-of-the-way. But Trisha is also extremely guarded.  If you don't know her, she is difficult to read and doesn't get very personal about her own life.  She is a master at keeping her personal life separate from everything else.  I envy this about her.

Trisha and me - July 2009

Whatever you say about Trisha, she has been the best friend a person could ask for during the past year of my life and I'm thankful for her everyday.  It couldn't have been easy for her to have to deal with her own life much less my added baggage on top of it, but she never once acted as if she didn't have time for me, or acted as if any of my "issues" were pointless or irrelevant.  Trisha keeps me in the groove of things, she taught me the mantra, "Get up, take a shower, go to work" when I didn't think I could ever get up and do anything ever again.  She allowed me have pity parties for myself. She would say, "I give you today to throw yourself a pity party, then tomorrow you get up, take a shower, and go to work". That was SO awesome.  I had the right, for one day, to have a pity party.  You have no idea how much I love to throw a pity party. ALOT...

Trisha and me - December 2010

Bottom line is, this probably hasn't come out the way I wanted it to at all, but I am so happy to have a friend like her.  She has been more like a sister to me than a friend this past year, because I'm pretty sure she said some things friends wouldn't say to each other, but sister's would.  She's been honest with me, but she has my back, and she's helped recreate the person I am in the process of becoming again.  So if you did in fact read this Trisha, thanks. You have my undying gratitude and love (whether you want it or not), and my first-born if you ever decide you'd like another child... no, really.... she's all yours...!

C'est la vie....

I'm feeling frustrated right now.  I'm sitting in the other room writing this because my 4 year old insists on watching the home movies from her sister's early years.  This is after she asked me this morning if I missed daddy.  Then she said she missed the baby and wanted to see her. Then she wanted to call daddy and her step-mom because she missed them. This was the first time she's ever requested to talk to her step-mom, and honestly, I found my breath slightly taken away when she said, "I love you" to her.  Don't get me wrong, I want her to love her.  Then I know that she is loved back, and I would rather have that than a step-mom who resents her or finds her to "be in the way". So yeah, I'm fine with that. But I'm her mom, and I don't want anyone to lost sight of that. Apparently she has today though.

Anyway, back to the movie. I don't really want to sit and watch these movies because 1) we've watched them thousands of times already, and 2) I don't want to watch something that shows that I thought I was happy, but things weren't what they seemed.  As much as I hate to admit it, I miss my old life.  There, I said it. I miss it. 

I don't know if it's possible for a four year old to try and get a rise out of her mother, but that is sure in the hell what if feels like today.  At least I can vent here, and not take it out on her and then feel guilty about it later. I suppose it never gets easier, you get through one thing and then on to the next. Anyway, just wasn't expecting it, thought we were back in the groove.... C'est la vie...

The Divorce Instruction Book...

There is no instruction book for going through a divorce.  Believe me, I searched...and searched... and searched. Maybe it's because every end to each relationship is different.  I have yet to find another person ( Elin Nordegren Woods was close, but I'm not her personal friend, so it's hard to say) who has gone through the same divorce I did. And I'm sure there are millions of people who feel the same way. That's why it is such a lonely thing to go through, besides the fact that you are losing your best friend and someone you loved. If you find yourself in the same situation I did, seemingly happily married, but your husband had been cheating on you for years, there are a few pointers I would like to give you.

1. You are going to go crazy. I mean psycho crazy.  Not your normal everyday crazy. Now I am a bit crazy to begin with, but with this situation you can find yourself crossing a line... To those people who stood by me during my crazy period, thank you.  You will never know how much it means to me that you stood by, listened and watched, and yet don't hold that against me today.  There is no one that can stop this crazy from coming out and many times much of the crazy you feel you are is all in your head. Yeah, other people don't always see it.  Crazy right? My point exactly...

2. If your situation is similar to mine, you will be dealing with this sudden unexpectedness, and immediately become a single parent, all alone, on your own.  The other person is going to be investing their time into saving the other relationship. They are not currently invested in what you or the children are going through. (Sidebar: My children's father is an involved and loving father, but it took him some time to get his shit together, if you know what I mean.)  You need a support group, family, friends. I would say co-workers, but let's hold off on that one, I'm getting there...

3.  Do NOT, under any circumstances, take your shitty baggage to work with you.  Best case scenario you have some time you can take off, especially if you are dealing with the general public or are in a service field.  I can't tell you how many people forcefully encouraged me to go back to work, like the same week it happened. Being around people is all well and good, but you really need to take some time for yourself to get yourself in a better place. There are always people that are willing to be with you if need be, but NOT at work. More than likely, in the end, you will be without a job...

4. People will be supportive at first.  Your true friends will be supportive the ENTIRE way through. There are people who will keep their distance. They don't know what to say or do for you.  Don't be offended, and pray that it never happens to them.

5. Accept that no matter what you did before, or what you do in the present and future, you will most likely be in the wrong. I'm talking about your ex and those who don't get what you are going through. Your ex wants nothing to do with working it out, he could give two shits about what you are feeling or what you are going through. If you feel the need to vent at him, go ahead, but realize it is NOT going to make a difference in the end and will either A.) be thrown back in your face or B.) cause him to treat you as if you are the only crazy on the planet.

6.  Get yourself a good shrink, and expect to be in it for the long haul.

7. Expect to be doing a lot of the explaining and excuse making about what happened in your relationship. Your ex will be focusing on the next one and not have time to go through it with your friends.

8. Expect to question the very existence of your being. You will question yourself, what you did wrong, what you could have done to stop this or to make your husband happier.  You will feel like the worst parent in the world.  You will be blamed by the other person in the very same breath they use to say "it's me, not you." They will not understand why you can't just accept the situation and move on.

9. This is a biggie: Expect everyone to question what you are doing with your children.  No lie, I took my oldest to a psych and at the parent meeting, with my ex in the room with us, I asked about the speed with which everything was moving.  The girlfriend, moving in with here, the girls staying with them - all before the divorce was final, the impending marriage, the baby coming. As an adult I couldn't wrap my head around it all, let alone a 7 and 3 year old.  I was told (for serious people) "Kids are resilient, divorce doesn't effect them as much as people think.  What is more important is how you are handling this, how you talk to them, how you react to what their father is doing. That is what can be harmful." For serious buddy? Yeah, I didn't really like him from that point forward.  Something, a certain Je sais pas, didn't sit well with me. It was almost as if my husband had gotten to him first, talked to him, guy to guy. "Hey buddy, I got this thing going, I really need to focus on it, my ex is gonna be all "up in my grill about it"... ya think you could help me out?"

Granted, I was going through my crazy spurt at this point, so maybe I blew it all out of proportion, but seriously the gist I got out of it was, "Ah, their gonna be alright, no real lasting affects, kids turn out normal from divorce all of the time. Just watch what YOU say, K?"

10. Expect to lose a lot. I lost my entire life, other than my children, which I thank God for everyday. I have my family and I know who my real friends are.  I know where I stand in life, and after all of this, I am glad I do. One of the hardest things you will lose, almost instantly, is his family.  That is the hardest part.  No more holidays, cookouts, laughing, breakfasts, hanging out - all gone, in one moment. Your children will be with your ex and his family for holidays and birthdays, and you will no longer be a part of it.

(Sidebar: I don't even know what my kids get for Christmas and birthdays.  Most of it never comes home, they could have a full wardrobe there and I would never know it.  The girls have bikes and a Barbie dream house at their dad's, hell, they have their whole old house, all of the perks I wish I could give them, but I can't, and I'm glad their dad and his family can, even if the girls get angry at me occasionally and throw it back in my face.)

Yeah, there's probably a lot more, but those are the main things.  I hope no one else I know ever has to go through what I did, but if you do, come sit down next to me....If ya haven't got anything nice to say... ;-)

Weekend update (and POOP update...)

Going good. Poop keeps coming up. Like when I was at my friend's house this weekend and her one year old took my computer hostage and typed "POOP99999999999999999999999", and then again today when Ella could talk of nothing else but bird poop. Even saw this pic posted on a friends Facebook page:

Other than that, pretty normal. Football Saturday morning, tea party Saturday afternoon, then friend's house. Sunday church, picnic, Marigold Festival, hours of Business 115 homework and quiz.

OH! Can I give a HUGE shout out to my mom, who, miraculously, let me do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING yesterday! She even was home with a sore back all day and never ONCE hounded me about doing anything.  Beautiful day, thanks mom, love you!

Girls came back today, I enjoy the break from being a single, full-time parent, but I am always glad to have them back. They keep it interesting and give me a purpose. Sorry, not too fun, I'm kinda sick with this sinus thing going on... I have a post in the making, but I'm so foggy right now, may in a couple of days.

By the way, my friend that I was discussing business with this weekend... she's not that bitter, not about business anyway. She's kinda like a tree-hugger hippie.  Totally not for the cold-hearted corporate world, but she makes it work, ya know? And yes, I can hear you Trisha, "not about business anyway????". Well you ARE bitter about some things. You're a girl aren't you? Jk, I love you!

Ok, I gotta go, this isn't working for me tonight.... Next time, play-ahs.

You may say that I'm a dreamer....

So this weekend my friend and I discussed the business world because I am taking a business course right now and the things I am learning just blow my mind.  When I explained that I thought corporate America was selling out, she told me I was jaded... and that may be... but I say I'm a dreamer...

I have a rose-colored out look on how things should be in our world.  After I lost my job last year I began to do some professional soul-searching and I realized that what I want to do professionally is to make a difference in the world.  Whether is making something beautiful, or preserving our earth, or touching the lives of the people on this earth, when I die, I want to have left this world a better place than it was when I came into it.  It's hard for me to imagine that other people don't want to aspire to such things also.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not naive. I know there are people in this world that only want to make a fast buck, and I know equally well that we all make bad decisions and mistakes in our lives also.  But how can it be that other people don't want to leave this world better than when they started?

I began thinking on my way home from my friend's house tonight about that, and I began formulating an idea.  Why is it that we as a society, economically or governmental, don't want to work to invest in our future? We hear how other countries are teaching their children better, that children from other nations excel more in the classroom than those in America.  Why is it that instead of re-investing in our future, we instead put our money and resources elsewhere?  As a society we should be investing in our future, our children, our unemployed! We need to work to prepare our children for a future of new discovery and hard work, a way to better our lives rather than drain our social security and take jobs out of America rather than keep them here because other countries are more efficient and are better planners. Instead of a business telling a potential candidate for employment, "sorry, you are under qualified, over qualified,  too young, too old, don't have enough experience, have too much experience..." why don't we take our time and energy to make these people or children into what we need for our future, or for our company.

We need companies that are willing to take more risks on candidates with outstanding qualities and mold them into what we are looking for.  I assure you, as an unemployed person, if I applied for this job I am willing to do what it takes to be successful and be a productive part of your staff. So teach me! Don't over look me because I am under qualified,or over qualified,  and don't send our children out into the world unprepared and with no experience to build on.  There are thousands of potential students coming out of school each year that are excited and have wonderful ideas for problem solving and making our businesses and government and our LIVES better. Give them a chance! Don't try to kill that spirit, embrace it, inspire it, get excited about it!

My friend said that progress is always slow because we believe that because we've always done something a certain way, that is the way we do it.  What a waste of time and exploration on new and wonderful ideas that could revolutionize our lives! What a waste of productivity and efficiency! My friend told me if I go into a business corporation they would kill my spirit and teach me that this is the way it has to be. How sad it that??? I don't know if I could do that, just come to an acceptance and go through the motions to get through the day.

I'm not saying I have the answers or that I even begin to understand government or politics or even business, but as the movie says,"Is this really as good as it gets?" Is this really what we are aspiring for in our futures, for our children and grandchildren? And one last question, has it always been this bad, or have I only just been awakened to the inner workings of our country? I do hope that there were once better days, and that someday there are better days again. But it doesn't come with just one person, one President, one businessman or woman. It comes from a group of people working TOGETHER to make this world into what we as a whole want it to be for our future.  Not what one person wants, or for a personal agenda. We need to see past our narcissistic wants and realize that we can't take it with us when we go, and we are not bigger than any other person.  It is about who we are as a whole, a country, a world...

There is something to be said for the Brits...

The girls and I went to Her Majesty's English Tea Room with some friends from our old school today. It was really nice and the girls had a great time.  They behaved themselves, even Ella, whom I was a bit concerned about.  The tea was a pinkish color and they have blue colored sugar for the girls.  Ella had SO much sugar in her's that her tea turned a blue color. See below...

It was a nice lunch, but I'm more of a three course meal girl with large platefuls of food. But OMG... the gift shop was to die for and I have decided I'm going to definitely be attending some formal affairs in England very soon.  Help me decide which hat I should buy for the occasion!

My Favorite

The Sailor

Lady in Red

Just a Big-Ass Hat

Minnie Pearl from Hee Haw!

Birthday Hat (Better than a Birthday Suit...)

Mild Mannered

The Queen Mum's Hat

Besides the fabulous hats there were a few other interesting items...

Captive Squirrels?

Harry Potter Apparel

A sock monkey hanging from the ceiling...

And goats on the roof...

All in all, a VERY good day...

Awesomeness in the making...

If you read my blog you know that there has been a major crackdown on the girls at our house.  Can I just say, last night was AWESOME!!!! That is how I want every night to be!!! Lainey started freaking about homework first thing, but I told her we were just going to TRY it out today with no meltdowns and keep a positive attitude and see how that worked for us.  She read to me while I prepped for dinner, then we did flash cards, then spelling (she got ALL of the correct with no prompting!!!) We had dinner, played an EDUCATIONAL game on the computer (- all three of us), and they read in bed before falling asleep at a reasonable hour.

Basically I am writing this so the next time I'm going crazy and don't know what to do I can read this and remember that the SMACKDOWN is effective! Bring it on!

This is just a bunch of random rambling... but has valuable information at the same time!

I just called the principal where I interviewed on Tuesday to ask if there was any feedback or insight he could give me on my interview.  He was VERY nice and said unfortunately he wasn't going to be much help because I gave good answers and had good experience, it was just a matter of the best fit for the school, and honestly he said he could have put any one of the candidates in the position.  He was very nice and I hope I have the opportunity to interview with him again someday. I'm also VERY proud of myself for taking that step to get feedback that I once would have dreaded getting. Not gonna lie, a little nerve-wracking, but I took the step, so there, progress...

Now I am on to another problem, a few months ago I made a rash decision to go on a trip to Vegas with my friend Erin.  I am excited about going, but the buyer's remorse is killing me, and immediately after I made the decision I knew it was irresponsible. Therefore I am going to resort to asking any of my local blog followers for some help.  I can cook, clean, babysit, organize, do AMAZING things on a computer, and many other odd jobs that you may not want to do yourself.  If you would like to help me fund this irresponsible, but amazingly adrenaline induced trip, I am willing to work for it.  I have some credentials, I clean every other week for my aunt and I occasionally clean for my bff (every other weekend ;-) ). I can rock out a bottle of Clorox clean up like nobody's business, and I can get you so organized you will be asking me to come back for more! Please help!  I NEVER do anything this spontaneous, and after the year I've had I just want to do one irresponsible, irrational thing for just ME! You can message me on Facebook if you accept this challenge, and I guarantee you won't regret it...

On to other things... Y'all know you can comment on here? Come on people, I know you have something to say! I have gotten some good feedback so far, but let's shake up the discussion, ya know? I will willingly accept any constructive criticism, but I gotta tell ya, I'm doing this for me, so don't expect much out of me!

have I mentioned I'm kid-free today! Yeah, today is gonna be a great day!

I'm going to have to become a closet Phineas and Ferb watcher...

 So, my children have sent me so over the edge that I have to take many of the TV shows they watch away from them, because frankly, I just think it causes them to act like moronic imbeciles who think they control the world, or the world in our house. Here is the schedule I sent to their father entitled "The Smackdown". I didn't include the entire e-mail, because there are just some things I shouldn't share with the general public on my blog.

(I have highlighted my favorite parts in bold italics...)

3:45 - 4:15 Lainey comes home/snack/free time (no TV or DS)

4:15 - 5:15 Homework, includes: writing all spelling words and must re-write any she misses or asks for prompts on five times each(ie: "fl" is that right?), practice addition flash cards (especially focusing on the "doubles", 2+2, 5+5, 7+7...) She needs to start memorizing facts. Ella can do something quietly like coloring or at home we have a preschool activity book that she can work in, or read books or something like that.

5:15 - 5:30 Set table, get ready for dinner

5:30 - 6:00 dinner/clean up

6:00 - 6:30 Baths/ Read a book - she needs to be reading at least 20 minutes each night.  She is so "starved" for "together time" this would be a good time for her to sit down with one of us and read.

6:30 - 7:00 (if it was bath night she can read at this time, Ella could listen as well) if not they can have some free play time

7:00 - 7:30 watch TV (Nick Junior, or Sprout - no Sponge Bob Square Pants, Johnny Test, and, yes, it pains me to say it...Phineas and Ferb,  or anything else that will get them riled up. If all else fails I can send Baby Einstein and they can be forced to watch that, however, they will probably enjoy it more than anything else, because they are just that twisted...)

7:30 in bed, they are allowed to read or look at books, but absolutely no DS until they can get themselves back under control.  I was giving them about 20 minutes or so, but until behavior improves, no DS unless for a reward or on the weekends.

8:00 Lights out

As you can see, they have lost anything fun until their tyrannical raid comes to an end. Moshi Monsters was the first to go, and I can't tell you how relieved I am to get that life sucking game off my back. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I do not deal with terrorists, and until they reform there is little they can do to make me change my mind. Personally, "I would like to see the shrieking, screaming, demanding, temper tantrums, back talk, disrespect, excuse making, and antagonizing each other gone." (I have some pretty wicked audio files of temper tantrums on my phone I'm planning on making into a CD to make them listen to in the car on trips to town.)

"They are going to cry and whine that they are bored and they hate me, but I'm pretty sure they will get creative (in finding stuff to do) if needed. They complain that I don't do things with them or spend time with them, but honestly when they have me running around like a chicken with my head cut off doing anything and everything for them, I really have very little energy, nor do I feel like taking time out to spend with their snotty asses. I know it sounds harsh, but things have really gotten out of hand."

Of course the drawback is I LOVE, and I mean LOVE Phineas and Ferb.  I just feel that their crack induced sister Candace is somewhat of a bad influence on them.  (Read more about Candace here) I mean Phineas and Ferb work so hard to teach kids to use their imagination and promote discovery and invention that this country is in dire need of these days, not to mention trying to motivation kids to do something with their time during summer break (but I digress...) That Candace though, I can hear Lainey, "Mom, Ella's creating a title sequence again..." Seriously Candace? Give it a break! Why can't you just let them have their fun and then we could continue to watch good wholesome television without having to worry about our children planning revenge on each other and screeching to their moms about what you KNOW is not going to be there when you get her to the backyard!!!! I mean really, how much longer are you going to keep up this charade? Will you ever go to college? That would be totally awesome because then I would only have to deal with the backlash from Dr. Doosensmirf and that guy I can handle because all of his evil plans to take over the tri-state area are totally lame.

So that being said... I will have to resort to watching Phineas and Ferb while sneaking my sweet treats away from prying eyes in the closet from now on.  Although it's going to get mighty tough trying to hid in the closet with a 42 inch flat screen, but where there's a will, there's a way...

I didn't get the job

What else can I say? Maybe next time... It's not where God wanted me to be... There's always tomorrow...

What a teacher wants you to know...

I interviewed for a job yesterday for a part-time aide position (3 hours a day) at a local school district where I would really like to get my foot in the door. It is an RTi position where I would be pulling small groups or individual kids out of the classroom to work with on areas they are struggling with in the classroom. It's not my dream job, but it's my dream job right now. How fun would it be to work 3 hours a day with small groups intensely on areas such as reading comprehension, vocabulary, phonics, and math. I know, not many of you would find that fun, but to me, that is the heart of teaching, making individual connections with students and watching them succeed in small steps at first, but making huge leaps in their learning in the end.

I am a horrible interviewee, and have only interviewed for three jobs including this one since I lost my job last year.  The first was a total of 10 minutes tops! Horrible, never heard from them again.  The second went very  well I thought, but because I had finally decided that teaching is where I wanted to be, I think they were weary of hiring someone who may or may not be there for the long haul.  I can completely respect that.  That left me to search for a position in the teaching field, where jobs are few and far between.  I mean seriously. It is not uncommon for 300+ applicant's to compete for one position. Competition is fierce and it would be awesome to know the inside secrets to getting hired!

I don't know if I will ever be able to get out from under the bad reputation I set for myself in my previous teaching position, but I think it speaks thousands of words for me that I haven't given up.  I have been through a lot this year, and I needed to find my perspective.  It is difficult to be a teacher these days.  Remember that if you are a parent. Really. I can speak from both sides of the table because I have been a teacher and a parent.  But I have also been a student, and I know what I respected most about teachers I've had.  These days we parents tend to immediately jump to our child's defense without even hearing the teacher or principal's side to the story.  When I was a kid there was no argument.  It didn't matter if you did it or not, you got in trouble either way.  Even if you didn't do it you were still expected to take the consequences.

I think the problem between parents and teachers is that we as parents feel it is a personal attack on our parenting skills if a teacher disciplines our children. Yet I feel that it takes some of the pressure off of me as a parent if I know by child is held to high expectations and standards within the classroom.  Of course I will back the teacher up, whether I agree with it on a personal level or not.  Know why? Because when my kid goes out into the real world, the world where bosses couldn't care less about you personally, couldn't care less what your mom or dad thinks, or couldn't care less about what YOU think, I know my child will have the understanding that they are no different from anyone else and there are no free hand outs in this world.  The world does not revolve around them and there are always going to be injustices in the world.  You may not agree with it, but you need to resign yourself to live with it. Otherwise you are going to be jobless, homeless, and sorry, but alone.

If you are a parent, the main thing I want you to remember or to know is that MOST teachers have your child's best interests at heart.  There is a tremendous amount of pressure that teachers put on themselves to expect the most out of your child and themselves. Imagine having 20 children that you want to teach right from wrong, to empathize with others, and educate them all at the same time. You love them unconditionally (even when they aggravate you to the point of pulling your hair out), you hurt when they hurt, you rejoice when they succeed, and you cry when they inevitably move on... you can fight with parents until your blue in the face, but in the end, all that matters to a teacher is what that child takes away from the classroom and that they know that they are full of potential and are completely responsible for themselves and their actions, and that they are loved, no matter what.

Maybe teaching isn't what I'm suppose to do, but I don't think I would keep wandering back to it if I weren't suppose to be there. I appreciate it when parents compliment me as a teacher, but I will tell you what is even better that a parent's compliment: a students.

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Throwing salt in an old wound isn't as bad as they make it out to be...

Nice weekend to be had by all, and BONUS! extra day included in the fun-filled package tomorrow!  Ella's birthday is still intact as baby wasn't born until Saturday night. Whew.  Although Lainey is annoyingly excited, Ella is the more realistic and level-headed about it all.  Needless to say she's not thrilled to no longer be the baby. (Although I told her tonight she will always be MY baby, awwww!)

So yes, I afore-mentioned this was a nice weekend.  Nice, but WEIRD.  And by the way, can I say that I am thrilled beyond words to not be involved in the craziness that probably ensued at the hospital this weekend.  I do not envy the girl's step-mom in any way, shape, or form and while many may have wished her ill-will in no personal way what-so-ever, I would not wish delivery pain and difficulties on anyone, because, hey, that's just crossing the cruelty line people.

I was thinking a lot this weekend, dangerous I know, besides the fact that I haven't taken my meds in a couple of days (because I have no health insurance, thus drugs are VERY expensive...) and I came to the conclusion that throwing salt in old wounds isn't quite as bad as it's thought to be.

If you haven't figured out by now, my ex-husband just had his first child with his second wife.  (I was a starter wife, yeah.) This brings life to an entirely new level, with new thoughts, and new routine, and if you know me, I dislike anything new, unless it's a killer pair of shoes. I know I mentioned a few posts ago that I really wasn't bothered by all of this, but honestly it has bothered me a tiny bit.  I have found it has affected several people on some level or another.  It brings up all of those old bad memories, which are very difficult for me because I did enjoy and love my previous life so much.  Haha, previous life, like I was re-incarnated or something. I made myself giggle.

Anyway, you can't help the crazy from creeping back into your head and trying to draw you back into the dark abyss. Thinking about his family, who went, what did they all think, are they all excited? What about MY kids? Where do they stand now? How is this going to change things? And I know, Tuesday or Wednesday, when things get back to normal, I will again realize that it doesn't all matter, not to me anyway.  Backwardsland cannot touch me if I don't allow it. I have my own little piece of crazy right here, and I don't need anyone else's to f*** my crazy up.

But I can't help thinking back to having our first child together, and then our second, and I wonder where this new birth fit. Was it in between? God help her if it was worst than the first! Was it better than the second? It is very hard to judge reality when you lived one-fifth of your life with a chronic liar and believed every moment of it up until the point he told you it was all a lie.

When I had Lainey, I was in labor all night at home and when he woke in the morning after sleeping on the couch, he took a shower and was getting ready for work.  While he was in the shower, I had to dial 911 because I began "pushing". After the ambulance got me to the hospital and they got me to labor and delivery, he came sauntering in and sat down on the couch. He had  NO CLUE I was in labor until he heard the nurse say to the doctor on the phone, "You have to be here NOW, because she's going to have this baby!" About an hour after Lainey was born, he was out the door and back to work.  Little did I know at this time he was having his first affair. I thought those first months of Lainey's life were the worst and best of it all.  I loved having her, but my marriage was in shambles and I was to blame for being too "narcasistic". Definition: When you've been on bed rest for three months, home alone the majority of the time, and then left to care for your first child alone,  that makes you a narcissist.

This is why I have difficulty today with him having this new baby.  When we had our first he wasn't really interested. And yeah, I guess my feelings are a little hurt because of what my daughter may have missed and what she will watch this new daughter enjoy from her father.  Don't misread what I'm saying, he is a good dad, and he loves his kids, but I don't think he loved what was entailed with raising kids with me. I truly hope this time it is much better for him for my girls' sake. But, it is so hard to watch someone you loved fall so easily into a new life, when there was a perfectly good one right in front of them. And it is hardest for those that were left behind. But we will survive AND thrive, because of it, and in the end, it didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would ;-) ...

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My life is wicked crazy...

So I got denied for public aid, which is good and bad both, good because at least someone thinks I'm not destitute enough to need it, but bad because there is a serious lack of funds coming in at the moment. On the upside I got a job interview at an awesome school I would love to work at as a part-time aid.  It would only be about three hours a day, but I figure that will be a nice way to work myself back into things slowly, and maybe next year I could get a full-time gig.

But now for the part most of you who have already heard have been waiting for: Today is my youngest's birthday.  September 2nd.  Call it karma, fate, Kismet, whatever you believe in, but this is one step closer to crazy than I thought things could go.

I knew this day was coming, and really, I'm FINE with it.  Seriously. You have no idea how fine I am ;-). However, in a totally ironic turn of events, the girls' father's new wife is being induced. Today. On Ella's birthday.  If you understand the entirety of my story from this last year, you understand how insane this actually is.  It's like God's little joke, AND I THINK IT'S AWESOMELY SICK AND TWISTED ON AN EPIC LEVEL!  I LOVE IT! All day long I have been giggling randomly, because honestly, there couldn't have been a more fitting time for this to happen.  The funniest part? It's not even their fault!!! At least I hope it's not, I'm pretty sure not, but just in case I'm not gonna bet on it.  Awkwardly enough she has the same OBGYN that delivered both of my children.  One of them four years ago to THIS VERY DAY...

The irony is so great that I have to laugh.  I can't imagine what is going through the heads of those players involved in these events today.  I would just once like to experience it first hand, to have someone explain to me how they rationalize this entire situation to be O.K. But, in the grand scheme of things, as long as my kids are ok, I just don't care....

By the way, I hear it's nice this time of year in backwards land...

Feel the love...

As I sit here in the Department of Human Services waiting to interview for public aid, I can't help but feel the love from friends and family posting happy birthdays to my youngest who is 4 today and sending words of encouragement to me via my blog posts. I can't tall you how humbled I am to be sitting here, but also knowing there are more people out there supporting me than I know. Especially those friends and parents from my old school who continue to support me. Thank you!!! You will never know how much it means to us!

Patience

Yes, I'm back. This is my 10th post and I have over 300 hits on my blog to date.  Thank you for all of you who return to read my mundane ramblings that probably don't make sense half of the time. My mom told me tonight:  she talks to blow off steam, while I write.

It's entirely too late and I should be in bed, but generally I wait until the girls are in bed to log on to my online classes to get the most out of them that I can. Have I mentioned I went back to school? It's just on-line and I'm majoring in Web Graphic Design, which will possibly be another dead end profession (as I've had many people tell me so far, but I haven't listened to anyone up to this point, so why start now?) but it is something I'm interested in, so what the hell?

It was another rough day with my children after Lainey got home from school. We had a MAJOR melt-down (which I recorded ;-) ) about, you guessed it, Moshi Monsters. Needless to say, Moshi Monsters are hereby banned during the week at our house.  Did you know I am the meanest mom ever and I don't love my kids? Lainey said she hates me and will never hug or kiss me again, but ha, I got a kiss goodnight, so she must be rethinking that bold statement. At one point she was trying to negotiate saying she had "a deal" to make with me, but I told her I don't make deals with terrorists.  I discussed this matter with her father, who has given me full backing in this fight against homeland terrorism. Seeing as how she explained that he and her step-mom always played with them and let them do whatever, I thought it may be a good idea to put some feelers out to how things were playing out at their house.  Seems the same domestic terrorism hits their homeland as well. You never can be too sure about dads, you gotta love 'em, but they tend to be a bit softer that a mom. However, it's always interesting to watch Lainey as she talks to her dad, because she comes to the realization that even though we aren't together anymore we are "together" on all things involving her and her sister.

My dad was telling me tonight that he was impressed at how patient I am with them. Not always, and I find that statement a bit surprising seeing as how that was probably the deciding factor in the loss of my job last year.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point of being able to let all of the mean and hateful things said by people roll off my back. Many times, people don't even have any idea about how their words affect a person. Yet, I have learned that when I look back at how I behaved during the early days of my divorce, I often said mean and hateful things too. Things I never in a million years meant or believed, but I said them out of grief, anguish, and exhaustion.  I was like a child throwing a temper tantrum to the world.  At the same time I was ashamed, humiliated, and embarassed at my behavior and what was happening in my life.

It is still a long process we are going through, with a lot of healing and finding a new beat to flow with. But through all of this I know there is one lesson I have been studying and will continue to study: patience. My biggest prayer as I go to bed tonight is that this lesson is a bit more easily learned for my children that it has been for me. It seems to me I'm always waiting, but I know without a doubt there is something up around the next bend. I pray that their "something" is a thousand times kinder and better than mine, but I am sure that is every parent's wish.

In the words of a great song, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need". (I could have gone with Axel Rose's Patience, but that was always the song Lainey's dad sang to her when she was a baby... and I'm not removed enough yet to remember those times as fondly as I otherwise would :-) )

Bedtime is a nightmare...

I've explained how my daughter has chronic anxiety, so naturally you can assume that bedtime in our house is a nightmare.  I have taken to letting my youngest fall asleep alone in my bed, because without fail, each night, Lainey and I end up having a blow out around 10 o'clock. It never fails, I've tried everything - to no avail. The doctor suggested having every possible request taken care of before she even goes to bed.  This is our "routine":

Before bed they are allowed to watch TV or play, they get hot chocolate, then to bed, read a book, drink of water, go to the bathroom, change of PJs because we are either too hot or too cold, fan in the room to cool her down, brown bear, blankets up, blankets down, and a lot of other stuff in between.

Last night was no different, probably because it had been an anxiously charged day.  As I sat at my computer waiting for a moment I could log on and post a discussion on my online business course (because I can't log on when she is still awake due to the never ending requests and my account logging me off because I haven't done anything for a while) I thought of this book, Go the Fuck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach.  There is an audio version on YouTube read by Samuel L. Jackson which is awesome, because he is totally the person I could imagine reading this book.

If you are easily offended, please refrain from listening, but if you are a parent that struggles with bedtime, seriously, listen to it!  You will be laughing and crying at the same time because there is finally something or someone that agrees with you that you are not alone, nor are you crazy...