There is no instruction book for going through a divorce. Believe me, I searched...and searched... and searched. Maybe it's because every end to each relationship is different. I have yet to find another person ( Elin Nordegren Woods was close, but I'm not her personal friend, so it's hard to say) who has gone through the same divorce I did. And I'm sure there are millions of people who feel the same way. That's why it is such a lonely thing to go through, besides the fact that you are losing your best friend and someone you loved. If you find yourself in the same situation I did, seemingly happily married, but your husband had been cheating on you for years, there are a few pointers I would like to give you.
1. You are going to go crazy. I mean psycho crazy. Not your normal everyday crazy. Now I am a bit crazy to begin with, but with this situation you can find yourself crossing a line... To those people who stood by me during my crazy period, thank you. You will never know how much it means to me that you stood by, listened and watched, and yet don't hold that against me today. There is no one that can stop this crazy from coming out and many times much of the crazy you feel you are is all in your head. Yeah, other people don't always see it. Crazy right? My point exactly...
2. If your situation is similar to mine, you will be dealing with this sudden unexpectedness, and immediately become a single parent, all alone, on your own. The other person is going to be investing their time into saving the other relationship. They are not currently invested in what you or the children are going through. (Sidebar: My children's father is an involved and loving father, but it took him some time to get his shit together, if you know what I mean.) You need a support group, family, friends. I would say co-workers, but let's hold off on that one, I'm getting there...
3. Do NOT, under any circumstances, take your shitty baggage to work with you. Best case scenario you have some time you can take off, especially if you are dealing with the general public or are in a service field. I can't tell you how many people forcefully encouraged me to go back to work, like the same week it happened. Being around people is all well and good, but you really need to take some time for yourself to get yourself in a better place. There are always people that are willing to be with you if need be, but NOT at work. More than likely, in the end, you will be without a job...
4. People will be supportive at first. Your true friends will be supportive the ENTIRE way through. There are people who will keep their distance. They don't know what to say or do for you. Don't be offended, and pray that it never happens to them.
5. Accept that no matter what you did before, or what you do in the present and future, you will most likely be in the wrong. I'm talking about your ex and those who don't get what you are going through. Your ex wants nothing to do with working it out, he could give two shits about what you are feeling or what you are going through. If you feel the need to vent at him, go ahead, but realize it is NOT going to make a difference in the end and will either A.) be thrown back in your face or B.) cause him to treat you as if you are the only crazy on the planet.
6. Get yourself a good shrink, and expect to be in it for the long haul.
7. Expect to be doing a lot of the explaining and excuse making about what happened in your relationship. Your ex will be focusing on the next one and not have time to go through it with your friends.
8. Expect to question the very existence of your being. You will question yourself, what you did wrong, what you could have done to stop this or to make your husband happier. You will feel like the worst parent in the world. You will be blamed by the other person in the very same breath they use to say "it's me, not you." They will not understand why you can't just accept the situation and move on.
9. This is a biggie: Expect everyone to question what you are doing with your children. No lie, I took my oldest to a psych and at the parent meeting, with my ex in the room with us, I asked about the speed with which everything was moving. The girlfriend, moving in with here, the girls staying with them - all before the divorce was final, the impending marriage, the baby coming. As an adult I couldn't wrap my head around it all, let alone a 7 and 3 year old. I was told (for serious people) "Kids are resilient, divorce doesn't effect them as much as people think. What is more important is how you are handling this, how you talk to them, how you react to what their father is doing. That is what can be harmful." For serious buddy? Yeah, I didn't really like him from that point forward. Something, a certain Je sais pas, didn't sit well with me. It was almost as if my husband had gotten to him first, talked to him, guy to guy. "Hey buddy, I got this thing going, I really need to focus on it, my ex is gonna be all "up in my grill about it"... ya think you could help me out?"
Granted, I was going through my crazy spurt at this point, so maybe I blew it all out of proportion, but seriously the gist I got out of it was, "Ah, their gonna be alright, no real lasting affects, kids turn out normal from divorce all of the time. Just watch what YOU say, K?"
10. Expect to lose a lot. I lost my entire life, other than my children, which I thank God for everyday. I have my family and I know who my real friends are. I know where I stand in life, and after all of this, I am glad I do. One of the hardest things you will lose, almost instantly, is his family. That is the hardest part. No more holidays, cookouts, laughing, breakfasts, hanging out - all gone, in one moment. Your children will be with your ex and his family for holidays and birthdays, and you will no longer be a part of it.
(Sidebar: I don't even know what my kids get for Christmas and birthdays. Most of it never comes home, they could have a full wardrobe there and I would never know it. The girls have bikes and a Barbie dream house at their dad's, hell, they have their whole old house, all of the perks I wish I could give them, but I can't, and I'm glad their dad and his family can, even if the girls get angry at me occasionally and throw it back in my face.)
Yeah, there's probably a lot more, but those are the main things. I hope no one else I know ever has to go through what I did, but if you do, come sit down next to me....If ya haven't got anything nice to say... ;-)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Weekend update (and POOP update...)
Going good. Poop keeps coming up. Like when I was at my friend's house this weekend and her one year old took my computer hostage and typed "POOP99999999999999999999999", and then again today when Ella could talk of nothing else but bird poop. Even saw this pic posted on a friends Facebook page:
Other than that, pretty normal. Football Saturday morning, tea party Saturday afternoon, then friend's house. Sunday church, picnic, Marigold Festival, hours of Business 115 homework and quiz.
OH! Can I give a HUGE shout out to my mom, who, miraculously, let me do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING yesterday! She even was home with a sore back all day and never ONCE hounded me about doing anything. Beautiful day, thanks mom, love you!
Girls came back today, I enjoy the break from being a single, full-time parent, but I am always glad to have them back. They keep it interesting and give me a purpose. Sorry, not too fun, I'm kinda sick with this sinus thing going on... I have a post in the making, but I'm so foggy right now, may in a couple of days.
By the way, my friend that I was discussing business with this weekend... she's not that bitter, not about business anyway. She's kinda like a tree-hugger hippie. Totally not for the cold-hearted corporate world, but she makes it work, ya know? And yes, I can hear you Trisha, "not about business anyway????". Well you ARE bitter about some things. You're a girl aren't you? Jk, I love you!
Ok, I gotta go, this isn't working for me tonight.... Next time, play-ahs.
Other than that, pretty normal. Football Saturday morning, tea party Saturday afternoon, then friend's house. Sunday church, picnic, Marigold Festival, hours of Business 115 homework and quiz.
OH! Can I give a HUGE shout out to my mom, who, miraculously, let me do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING yesterday! She even was home with a sore back all day and never ONCE hounded me about doing anything. Beautiful day, thanks mom, love you!
Girls came back today, I enjoy the break from being a single, full-time parent, but I am always glad to have them back. They keep it interesting and give me a purpose. Sorry, not too fun, I'm kinda sick with this sinus thing going on... I have a post in the making, but I'm so foggy right now, may in a couple of days.
By the way, my friend that I was discussing business with this weekend... she's not that bitter, not about business anyway. She's kinda like a tree-hugger hippie. Totally not for the cold-hearted corporate world, but she makes it work, ya know? And yes, I can hear you Trisha, "not about business anyway????". Well you ARE bitter about some things. You're a girl aren't you? Jk, I love you!
Ok, I gotta go, this isn't working for me tonight.... Next time, play-ahs.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
You may say that I'm a dreamer....
So this weekend my friend and I discussed the business world because I am taking a business course right now and the things I am learning just blow my mind. When I explained that I thought corporate America was selling out, she told me I was jaded... and that may be... but I say I'm a dreamer...
I have a rose-colored out look on how things should be in our world. After I lost my job last year I began to do some professional soul-searching and I realized that what I want to do professionally is to make a difference in the world. Whether is making something beautiful, or preserving our earth, or touching the lives of the people on this earth, when I die, I want to have left this world a better place than it was when I came into it. It's hard for me to imagine that other people don't want to aspire to such things also. Don't get me wrong, I'm not naive. I know there are people in this world that only want to make a fast buck, and I know equally well that we all make bad decisions and mistakes in our lives also. But how can it be that other people don't want to leave this world better than when they started?
I began thinking on my way home from my friend's house tonight about that, and I began formulating an idea. Why is it that we as a society, economically or governmental, don't want to work to invest in our future? We hear how other countries are teaching their children better, that children from other nations excel more in the classroom than those in America. Why is it that instead of re-investing in our future, we instead put our money and resources elsewhere? As a society we should be investing in our future, our children, our unemployed! We need to work to prepare our children for a future of new discovery and hard work, a way to better our lives rather than drain our social security and take jobs out of America rather than keep them here because other countries are more efficient and are better planners. Instead of a business telling a potential candidate for employment, "sorry, you are under qualified, over qualified, too young, too old, don't have enough experience, have too much experience..." why don't we take our time and energy to make these people or children into what we need for our future, or for our company.
We need companies that are willing to take more risks on candidates with outstanding qualities and mold them into what we are looking for. I assure you, as an unemployed person, if I applied for this job I am willing to do what it takes to be successful and be a productive part of your staff. So teach me! Don't over look me because I am under qualified,or over qualified, and don't send our children out into the world unprepared and with no experience to build on. There are thousands of potential students coming out of school each year that are excited and have wonderful ideas for problem solving and making our businesses and government and our LIVES better. Give them a chance! Don't try to kill that spirit, embrace it, inspire it, get excited about it!
My friend said that progress is always slow because we believe that because we've always done something a certain way, that is the way we do it. What a waste of time and exploration on new and wonderful ideas that could revolutionize our lives! What a waste of productivity and efficiency! My friend told me if I go into a business corporation they would kill my spirit and teach me that this is the way it has to be. How sad it that??? I don't know if I could do that, just come to an acceptance and go through the motions to get through the day.
I'm not saying I have the answers or that I even begin to understand government or politics or even business, but as the movie says,"Is this really as good as it gets?" Is this really what we are aspiring for in our futures, for our children and grandchildren? And one last question, has it always been this bad, or have I only just been awakened to the inner workings of our country? I do hope that there were once better days, and that someday there are better days again. But it doesn't come with just one person, one President, one businessman or woman. It comes from a group of people working TOGETHER to make this world into what we as a whole want it to be for our future. Not what one person wants, or for a personal agenda. We need to see past our narcissistic wants and realize that we can't take it with us when we go, and we are not bigger than any other person. It is about who we are as a whole, a country, a world...
I have a rose-colored out look on how things should be in our world. After I lost my job last year I began to do some professional soul-searching and I realized that what I want to do professionally is to make a difference in the world. Whether is making something beautiful, or preserving our earth, or touching the lives of the people on this earth, when I die, I want to have left this world a better place than it was when I came into it. It's hard for me to imagine that other people don't want to aspire to such things also. Don't get me wrong, I'm not naive. I know there are people in this world that only want to make a fast buck, and I know equally well that we all make bad decisions and mistakes in our lives also. But how can it be that other people don't want to leave this world better than when they started?
I began thinking on my way home from my friend's house tonight about that, and I began formulating an idea. Why is it that we as a society, economically or governmental, don't want to work to invest in our future? We hear how other countries are teaching their children better, that children from other nations excel more in the classroom than those in America. Why is it that instead of re-investing in our future, we instead put our money and resources elsewhere? As a society we should be investing in our future, our children, our unemployed! We need to work to prepare our children for a future of new discovery and hard work, a way to better our lives rather than drain our social security and take jobs out of America rather than keep them here because other countries are more efficient and are better planners. Instead of a business telling a potential candidate for employment, "sorry, you are under qualified, over qualified, too young, too old, don't have enough experience, have too much experience..." why don't we take our time and energy to make these people or children into what we need for our future, or for our company.
We need companies that are willing to take more risks on candidates with outstanding qualities and mold them into what we are looking for. I assure you, as an unemployed person, if I applied for this job I am willing to do what it takes to be successful and be a productive part of your staff. So teach me! Don't over look me because I am under qualified,or over qualified, and don't send our children out into the world unprepared and with no experience to build on. There are thousands of potential students coming out of school each year that are excited and have wonderful ideas for problem solving and making our businesses and government and our LIVES better. Give them a chance! Don't try to kill that spirit, embrace it, inspire it, get excited about it!
My friend said that progress is always slow because we believe that because we've always done something a certain way, that is the way we do it. What a waste of time and exploration on new and wonderful ideas that could revolutionize our lives! What a waste of productivity and efficiency! My friend told me if I go into a business corporation they would kill my spirit and teach me that this is the way it has to be. How sad it that??? I don't know if I could do that, just come to an acceptance and go through the motions to get through the day.
I'm not saying I have the answers or that I even begin to understand government or politics or even business, but as the movie says,"Is this really as good as it gets?" Is this really what we are aspiring for in our futures, for our children and grandchildren? And one last question, has it always been this bad, or have I only just been awakened to the inner workings of our country? I do hope that there were once better days, and that someday there are better days again. But it doesn't come with just one person, one President, one businessman or woman. It comes from a group of people working TOGETHER to make this world into what we as a whole want it to be for our future. Not what one person wants, or for a personal agenda. We need to see past our narcissistic wants and realize that we can't take it with us when we go, and we are not bigger than any other person. It is about who we are as a whole, a country, a world...
There is something to be said for the Brits...
The girls and I went to Her Majesty's English Tea Room with some friends from our old school today. It was really nice and the girls had a great time. They behaved themselves, even Ella, whom I was a bit concerned about. The tea was a pinkish color and they have blue colored sugar for the girls. Ella had SO much sugar in her's that her tea turned a blue color. See below...
It was a nice lunch, but I'm more of a three course meal girl with large platefuls of food. But OMG... the gift shop was to die for and I have decided I'm going to definitely be attending some formal affairs in England very soon. Help me decide which hat I should buy for the occasion!
Besides the fabulous hats there were a few other interesting items...
All in all, a VERY good day...
It was a nice lunch, but I'm more of a three course meal girl with large platefuls of food. But OMG... the gift shop was to die for and I have decided I'm going to definitely be attending some formal affairs in England very soon. Help me decide which hat I should buy for the occasion!
 |
| My Favorite |
 |
| The Sailor |
 |
| Lady in Red |
 |
| Just a Big-Ass Hat |
 |
| Minnie Pearl from Hee Haw! |
 |
| Birthday Hat (Better than a Birthday Suit...) |
 |
| Mild Mannered |
 |
| The Queen Mum's Hat |
Besides the fabulous hats there were a few other interesting items...
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| Captive Squirrels? |
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| Harry Potter Apparel |
 |
| A sock monkey hanging from the ceiling... |
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| And goats on the roof... |
All in all, a VERY good day...
Friday, September 9, 2011
Awesomeness in the making...
If you read my blog you know that there has been a major crackdown on the girls at our house. Can I just say, last night was AWESOME!!!! That is how I want every night to be!!! Lainey started freaking about homework first thing, but I told her we were just going to TRY it out today with no meltdowns and keep a positive attitude and see how that worked for us. She read to me while I prepped for dinner, then we did flash cards, then spelling (she got ALL of the correct with no prompting!!!) We had dinner, played an EDUCATIONAL game on the computer (- all three of us), and they read in bed before falling asleep at a reasonable hour.
Basically I am writing this so the next time I'm going crazy and don't know what to do I can read this and remember that the SMACKDOWN is effective! Bring it on!
Basically I am writing this so the next time I'm going crazy and don't know what to do I can read this and remember that the SMACKDOWN is effective! Bring it on!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
This is just a bunch of random rambling... but has valuable information at the same time!
I just called the principal where I interviewed on Tuesday to ask if there was any feedback or insight he could give me on my interview. He was VERY nice and said unfortunately he wasn't going to be much help because I gave good answers and had good experience, it was just a matter of the best fit for the school, and honestly he said he could have put any one of the candidates in the position. He was very nice and I hope I have the opportunity to interview with him again someday. I'm also VERY proud of myself for taking that step to get feedback that I once would have dreaded getting. Not gonna lie, a little nerve-wracking, but I took the step, so there, progress...
Now I am on to another problem, a few months ago I made a rash decision to go on a trip to Vegas with my friend Erin. I am excited about going, but the buyer's remorse is killing me, and immediately after I made the decision I knew it was irresponsible. Therefore I am going to resort to asking any of my local blog followers for some help. I can cook, clean, babysit, organize, do AMAZING things on a computer, and many other odd jobs that you may not want to do yourself. If you would like to help me fund this irresponsible, but amazingly adrenaline induced trip, I am willing to work for it. I have some credentials, I clean every other week for my aunt and I occasionally clean for my bff (every other weekend ;-) ). I can rock out a bottle of Clorox clean up like nobody's business, and I can get you so organized you will be asking me to come back for more! Please help! I NEVER do anything this spontaneous, and after the year I've had I just want to do one irresponsible, irrational thing for just ME! You can message me on Facebook if you accept this challenge, and I guarantee you won't regret it...
On to other things... Y'all know you can comment on here? Come on people, I know you have something to say! I have gotten some good feedback so far, but let's shake up the discussion, ya know? I will willingly accept any constructive criticism, but I gotta tell ya, I'm doing this for me, so don't expect much out of me!
have I mentioned I'm kid-free today! Yeah, today is gonna be a great day!
Now I am on to another problem, a few months ago I made a rash decision to go on a trip to Vegas with my friend Erin. I am excited about going, but the buyer's remorse is killing me, and immediately after I made the decision I knew it was irresponsible. Therefore I am going to resort to asking any of my local blog followers for some help. I can cook, clean, babysit, organize, do AMAZING things on a computer, and many other odd jobs that you may not want to do yourself. If you would like to help me fund this irresponsible, but amazingly adrenaline induced trip, I am willing to work for it. I have some credentials, I clean every other week for my aunt and I occasionally clean for my bff (every other weekend ;-) ). I can rock out a bottle of Clorox clean up like nobody's business, and I can get you so organized you will be asking me to come back for more! Please help! I NEVER do anything this spontaneous, and after the year I've had I just want to do one irresponsible, irrational thing for just ME! You can message me on Facebook if you accept this challenge, and I guarantee you won't regret it...
On to other things... Y'all know you can comment on here? Come on people, I know you have something to say! I have gotten some good feedback so far, but let's shake up the discussion, ya know? I will willingly accept any constructive criticism, but I gotta tell ya, I'm doing this for me, so don't expect much out of me!
have I mentioned I'm kid-free today! Yeah, today is gonna be a great day!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
I'm going to have to become a closet Phineas and Ferb watcher...
So, my children have sent me so over the edge that I have to take many of the TV shows they watch away from them, because frankly, I just think it causes them to act like moronic imbeciles who think they control the world, or the world in our house. Here is the schedule I sent to their father entitled "The Smackdown". I didn't include the entire e-mail, because there are just some things I shouldn't share with the general public on my blog.
(I have highlighted my favorite parts in bold italics...)
3:45 - 4:15 Lainey comes home/snack/free time (no TV or DS)
4:15 - 5:15 Homework, includes: writing all spelling words and must re-write any she misses or asks for prompts on five times each(ie: "fl" is that right?), practice addition flash cards (especially focusing on the "doubles", 2+2, 5+5, 7+7...) She needs to start memorizing facts. Ella can do something quietly like coloring or at home we have a preschool activity book that she can work in, or read books or something like that.
5:15 - 5:30 Set table, get ready for dinner
5:30 - 6:00 dinner/clean up
6:00 - 6:30 Baths/ Read a book - she needs to be reading at least 20 minutes each night. She is so "starved" for "together time" this would be a good time for her to sit down with one of us and read.
6:30 - 7:00 (if it was bath night she can read at this time, Ella could listen as well) if not they can have some free play time
7:00 - 7:30 watch TV (Nick Junior, or Sprout - no Sponge Bob Square Pants, Johnny Test, and, yes, it pains me to say it...Phineas and Ferb, or anything else that will get them riled up. If all else fails I can send Baby Einstein and they can be forced to watch that, however, they will probably enjoy it more than anything else, because they are just that twisted...)
7:30 in bed, they are allowed to read or look at books, but absolutely no DS until they can get themselves back under control. I was giving them about 20 minutes or so, but until behavior improves, no DS unless for a reward or on the weekends.
8:00 Lights out
As you can see, they have lost anything fun until their tyrannical raid comes to an end. Moshi Monsters was the first to go, and I can't tell you how relieved I am to get that life sucking game off my back. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I do not deal with terrorists, and until they reform there is little they can do to make me change my mind. Personally, "I would like to see the shrieking, screaming, demanding, temper tantrums, back talk, disrespect, excuse making, and antagonizing each other gone." (I have some pretty wicked audio files of temper tantrums on my phone I'm planning on making into a CD to make them listen to in the car on trips to town.)
"They are going to cry and whine that they are bored and they hate me, but I'm pretty sure they will get creative (in finding stuff to do) if needed. They complain that I don't do things with them or spend time with them, but honestly when they have me running around like a chicken with my head cut off doing anything and everything for them, I really have very little energy, nor do I feel like taking time out to spend with their snotty asses. I know it sounds harsh, but things have really gotten out of hand."
Of course the drawback is I LOVE, and I mean LOVE Phineas and Ferb. I just feel that their crack induced sister Candace is somewhat of a bad influence on them. (Read more about Candace here) I mean Phineas and Ferb work so hard to teach kids to use their imagination and promote discovery and invention that this country is in dire need of these days, not to mention trying to motivation kids to do something with their time during summer break (but I digress...) That Candace though, I can hear Lainey, "Mom, Ella's creating a title sequence again..." Seriously Candace? Give it a break! Why can't you just let them have their fun and then we could continue to watch good wholesome television without having to worry about our children planning revenge on each other and screeching to their moms about what you KNOW is not going to be there when you get her to the backyard!!!! I mean really, how much longer are you going to keep up this charade? Will you ever go to college? That would be totally awesome because then I would only have to deal with the backlash from Dr. Doosensmirf and that guy I can handle because all of his evil plans to take over the tri-state area are totally lame.
So that being said... I will have to resort to watching Phineas and Ferb while sneaking my sweet treats away from prying eyes in the closet from now on. Although it's going to get mighty tough trying to hid in the closet with a 42 inch flat screen, but where there's a will, there's a way...
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